Dear Dr. Love,My beau and I have been together for a year and we don’t trust each other. He owns a night club and has girls all over him and seems to think he is doing nothing wrong. I used to work with him but the women began starting rumors about him sleeping around and I couldn’t handle it. He has gone out to dinner with girls from work if I go out of town, thinking maybe I am doing something wrong on him.I have been faithful to him, and I want to trust each other. I feel like we are going in circles, I feel like we don’t trust each other and it’s tearing me a- part. It makes me feel insecure and as if I ‘m not what he wants. He’s very insecure. I need desperately to know what we can do. He has ex-girlfriends calling him and won’t tell them to stop calling. He lets his ex-fiance call and not say anything to her, no he doesn’t talk to them. I sit at home and go to school. I believe all he says but all the rumors have me doubting him and what he says. I have heard him lie to his friends and say things that he has said to me, when I know that he is. Any advice????Untrusting. . . . .
You are being mistreated in this relationship. No wonder you don’t trust your boyfriend. This guy is lying to you and flirting with other women right under your nose. And, you say he behaves worse when you go out of town.Why is he pushing you away? Your friend obviously suffers from fear of abandonment. And, since he is so sure that you will dump him, he makes sure to ‘dump’ you first by dishing out rejecting behaviors. He is emotionally jumping the gun, and attempting to kill you off before you can kill him. I understand that he is afraid. Only one problem. He doesn’t get in touch with these feelings and talk about them. Instead, he acts out and fights against his fears with very relationship destructive behaviors ( flirting, etc. )What concerns me most is you, not him. In reading your letter, I didn’t get the feeling that you know you are being mistreated. Is it possible that you don’t recognize mistreatment because feeling unsafe in relationships is normal to you. I suspect that something in your formative years has taught you that love is an insecure and untrusting place. But, love should feel safe. And, you should be with a lover who makes you feel like his number one.There are no quick fixes for your situation. You need to start individual therapy and find out what part of your history you are trying to heal by dating a man like this. Unless this man does the same type of work, I don’t see the possibility for a happy future together. Please begin the work I suggest and get back with me to know what you discover.