I’m seventeen and have been going out with my first real boyfriend for about a month. He doesn’t live near me but we get together pretty regularly. We met at a party and he came to my junior prom. We had an amazing time, and I started to find out what kissing really means. I’ve been getting to know him better and have found him to be a wonderfully caring and mature person whom I’m attracted to. He respects me and would never push me into anything physical.However, I can’t seem to get as enthusiastic about making out as he does. I always feel awkward, and uncomfortable, while he’s completely into it. He has no trouble telling me things or asking me how I feel when we’re making out, but I just can’t talk about it. Maybe it’s just that his hormones are raging and I’ve always tried to control mine. It really overwhelms me that he’s so into me and whatever we’re doing. I really want to be able to let go more and be able to enjoy the physical side of our relationship. Until recently I’ve avoided guys, since I used to be teased by them frequently. I’ve gotten my self esteem back and I have more male friends now who I trust. Will I ever be really comfortable with men? I don’t want to ruin a really good relationship because I’m uncomfortable with the physicality.
If I get this right, you’ve made a virginity vow. Meanwhile, your boyfriend has his hands all over you. No wonder you feel confused and scared. You are in quite a touchy situation. I’m wondering if when you say the word confused you actually mean that you are conflicted?And you do sound conflicted to me. On the one hand you like the physical contact—or else you wouldn’t have gotten to third base, pants or no pants– but on the other hand, you are scared to go against your virginity vow. Hence you are torn between two opposing desires, which create a state of conflict.You also asked me if you are being naïve. I wonder what you meant by this? Do you mean are you being naïve to think that you have a right to tell him to keep “it†in his pants? Meaning, are you naïve to think that you can ask a man to wait until marriage? The reality is, it’s your body. You have the right to set the boundaries that feel right for you. If a man loves you, he’ll deal with it (that’s why God gave us a right hand, or a left one, if we’re lefties!) If he can’t deal with the abstention, then he’s not the right man for you.I want you to know that in many cases confusion is as actually a defense mechanism that conceals anger! I’m wondering if you’re angry with your boyfriend who you may feel is pushing you by telling you that what you’re doing is normal.Remember, nobody can make you do anything that you don’t want to do.The bottom line is you aren’t comfortable with the physicality, then he needs to lay off trying to lay you!Tell your boyfriend, you want to adopt a hands-off policy for now, so that you can take a breather and see clearer into your own mind, heart and body.
