Hi Dr. Turndorf,I am currently in a relationship and it’s been one year with my girl now.I’m having major issues with her about her faithfulness. I’ve caught her up in lie after lie, nothing ever about where she’s been or who she’s with but about little things about her past that makes me think, if she’s lying about little things who’s to say she isn’t lying to me when I ask her where she’s been or who she’s with. (ex. She had a supposed friend named Darrin that she would go visit at his house late at night). She’s always told me that they were just friends so I believed her.Until one time I was nosy and checked her voicemail. She had a message from Darrin which really bothered me. He said ‘oh have you moved on to bigger and better things now since you are seeing that guy (presumably myself).’ What does that mean? moving on? If they were friends he wouldn’t have felt like she was’moving on’ right?I guess my main question is she’s lied to me plenty of times which really puts my trust factor to a near zilch, but I love her and I’m confused so I was wondering if you could give me some advice?
You have reason to mistrust this girl.From what you’ve said, she lies. So, I guess my question to you is why are you so attached to someone you can’t trust. How does this fit with your history? Were you lied to as a kid? Did one of your parents lie to the other?If you’ve been reading my columns for a while, you know that we humans tend to recreate the worst and most painful aspects of our childhoods. This is called the repetition compulsion, and we are compelled to recreate the past partly because we’re creatures of habit (familiar pain is actually more comfortable than facing the unknown) and partly because the unconscious mind craves to relive the original wound in the hope of obtaining what I call a happy ending this time around.So, for example, if you had a mother who lied to you and betrayed you, you would be drawn to a woman who’s just like mom. Of course, the fantasy is that this time around you’ll be so kind and loving that you will succeed in making your girlfriend be honest and faithful.If you can pull this miracle off, you will feel as though you got your mom to treat you right and, voila, the original wound will feel healed. But there’s always a fly in the ointment. The repetition compulsion never succeeds in yielding our craved Happy Ending. This is because our wish to recreate the past drives us to choose partners who are as damaged as the parents who let us down.So we end up getting re-injured rather than achieving the Happy Ending. The only way out of this impossible cycle is to identify and heal the wound. Then you are finally free to choose a partner who is capable of giving you the real Happy Ending you so deserve.