I am torn between my mother and my future husband. I am engaged but he is from another state. (About a 17 hour drive). He moved down here for about a year or so, but hated it and missed his family, so he went back home. He wanted me to go with him but I couldn’t at the time.When I told my mother I was thinking about moving up there with him, at first she was supportive saying positive things about moving, but later she told me that she was only being positive because if she tried to discourage me I would just get mad and move.So now she has been saying things like: what about your little brother and sister? I am in my early 20’s but there is such an age difference between my younger siblings and I that I basically helped raise them, and they don’t have a positive male influence in their life, except my fiancee. My mom says things like your fiancee was like a brother to them and now you’re going to leave too, how do you think that will make them feel?It tears me up to think about being away from them because my mom and siblings are like the only family I have and I haven’t ever been away from them for more than a couple days.I really would like to move and see new places, meet his family, experience life, etc, but I’m afraid my mother will be mad if I move away, that I will really hurt my little brother and sister, and I might even subconsciously ruin my relationship because I miss my family and want to go home.Please help! Thank you!
You are in a tight spot. Your mom is emotionally blackmailing you, which isn’t cool at all.I don’t believe that you need to live in someone’s back yard in order to maintain a connection. Many families live in close proximity but don’t have a real emotional connection, while others live far apart but maintain strong emotional ties despite the geographic distance.If you do decide to move, you can still stay connected to your mom and siblings, and your fiance can still be a role model to your siblings even if he doesn’t see them every day. Love and emotional connection isn’t bound by time, space, or geography. The people we love are always with us, dead or alive, near or far.Talk to your mother. Tell her that she needs to stop guilt tripping you. She needs to support your wish to separate and make a life with your fiance and that you want her to work with you to come up with creative ways for you to say close to her and your siblings.There are all kinds of options to explore. You may be able to cut the apple in half and move to a central location that is 8 hours from his family and 8 hours from yours. That’s a workable distance for both of you.You might also be able to have your mom and siblings move with you to your fiancee’s area. You could aslo consider hooking up a camera to your computer so that you see each other every day and chat at the same time.Let me know what you work out.