Dear Dr. Love,I am a divorced 40 year old woman. I have been divorced for nearly 3 years. I waited a good year before entering into a relationship with a another man so as not to be on the rebound.Up until 2 weeks ago I had been dating a 50 year old divorced man. He and I talked on the phone for over a year before we went out on a date. We hung out together at the track and had dinner or lunch occasionally for over 2 months before he decided he would like to date me. I agreed, but I let him know up front that I would not date for the sake of dating; to have a man at my side and that one day in the future I would like to be married again.Well, things were going well, or at least I thought they were. He is very romantic and soon I realized that I was in love, head over heels with this man. He became very attentive, talking to me sweetly, nurturing me emotionally, and physically, but never to the point of sexual intercourse. This went on for months. He became very intense with me, the way he was kissing me, holding, me calling me telling that he was thinking about me, telling me that he has been thinking about whether or not he should ask me to marry him.By this point I am in deep with him emotionally. All I want to do is love him. Then we finally did it. We had sex and it was the best sex I have ever had. After close to two years of courting, dating, loving and two sexual encounters, he has thrown me away. His reason is that what we did was wrong and a relationship based on sex will never work, especially if there is marriage involved. I am devastated and completely heart broken. How can a person just throw another person away like that?His ex-wife of nearly 30 years left him over and over again until she finally was able to obtain a divorce. Do you think he is getting back at his ex by what he has done to me? How can I avoid this from happening to me again. I am very apprehensive about getting involved with another man ever again, and it’s sad because I have so much to offer. I have taken very good care of myself physically and have been told I’m attractive, but can’t seem to find an attractive man with an attractive heart and soul to match.Signed, Thrown Away By Fifty Year Old
What a heartbreaking story. It sounds like you have the right idea about this man. Beneath his sweet exterior is a killer out for blood. Clearly he was on a seek and destroy mission. He seduced you for two years, then when he had you in his clutches, he killed you off without reason (saying that a marriage based on sex would never work. Who is he kidding. You guys didn’t actually have intercourse for two entire years!)What this man did to you was so sadistic, I am amazed that you survived to tell the story. What a testimonial to your inner strength and courage. You asked me how to make sure that you never again fall into the hands of someone like this man. First of all, let’s see if we can find any suspicious clues in his behavior. The first alarm bell went off for me when I read that he waited two entire years before he actually had intercourse with you. Such a long delay worried me: (It felt like he was waiting to make sure that he had every fiber of your heart and soul in the palm of his hand before moving in for the kill). For your information, this guy sounds like a sociopath (a con artist), and I have the idea that he, like all good con men, sensed that waiting to have intercourse would really clinch your love for him.Do you secretly feel that when a man waits, he is proving that he truly loves and respects you? Con artists are pros at reading other people’s minds, and saying and doing all the things that they know wil l’work.’ So, beware next time around. If you find a man that seems utterly perfect, who seems to know your every desire, before you even say it, you may be dealing with a con man.Another way to protect yourself is to obtain information about the person’s previous relationships. In this man’s case, he said that his wife kept trying to leave him, but never succeeded. This too is a warning bell. It sounds like this guy also psychologically seduced his wife, so that she couldn’t get away from him. I can understand why you are so frightened to try again. This next time, find out all you can about the man’s past relationships and beware: if it feels like you are being swept off your feet by someone who knows your every desire before you name it, you may have found another con man. As an additional precaution, I invite you to keep me posted on every man that seems like a potential lover. I can help you screen them so that we make sure you are safe.