Dr. LoveIm engaged to a wonderful man with a 7 year old. I have a 15 year old . my son is being rebellious and has betrayed my fiances trust on several occasions. we set a wedding date . Its in 4 months.Because of my sons bad behavior , my fiance has postponed the wedding for 2 years. my son will be 18. I plan to stay with him and his son through thick and thin. I told him its now or never. A relationship is suppose to be through thick and thin.I am falling out of love because i thought we both had unconditional love for each other and am finding out other wise.What should i do?
What a painful situation. I understand that you experience your fiancee’s postponement of the wedding as a punishment for your son’s misbehavior. The fact that he made a one-sided decision to postpone, rather than discussing the problem with you and coming up with a mutually acceptable solution, leaves you feeling all the more punished.Your fiance needs to learn that one-sided decisions are relationship no-nos and he needs to discuss and come up with a mutually satisfying decision on all matters that affect both of you. If your fiance is like most people, he isn’t aware of the rules that apply to relationships.I suspect that he also isn’t very skilled at communicating his feelings. Instead of talking with you and coming up with a plan that respects both your feelings, he is going into action and coming up with a plan of action that he thinks is best given the situation.Before another day passes you need to have an open hearted discussion in which you take turns telling each other your true feelings and listening and understanding each other. Ask your boyfriend to explain to you all his thoughts and feelings surrounding his wish to postpone the wedding. I think you are going to find that his intention isn’t to punish you but rather preserve the relationship in the only way that he knows how to do.I think the approach he’s taking is similar to the following example. Imagine that you are so furious that you are afraid you are going to say or do something that would do permanent damage to someone that you love. Rather than do such harm, you might choose to temporarily withdraw, to protect your loved one and the relationship. I think that he is stepping back in order to protect you and the relationship.Only one problem, his plan isn’t working. On the contrary he’s driving you apart and when it’s your turn to speak, you will need to tell him about the effect his decision is having on you. When all your feelings are on the table and you have completely understood each other, you need to talk about other ways of dealing with your problem, other than postponing the marriage.Put all the ideas you both can come up with on the table and discuss them. Remember to work as a team who is after the same goal–to preserve your precious love and to marry each other. Agree to make no decisions until you both come up with a plan that you both are comfortable with.You also need to talk about how important it is that you don’t let your son ‘win’ by ruining your relationship. Along these lines, it’s time to talk with your son about his feelings. He’s trying to undermine your relationship with your fiance because his angry feelings are going into behavior instead of words. If you can get him talking about his angry feelings over your divorcing or separating from his biological father, his anger over having his father ‘replaced’ by your new man and whatever else he feels, you are going to find that he will stop behaving less destructively.Feelings that aren’t discussed and worked through always end up getting acted out–in this case through behaviors that undermine your relationship with your fiance. Listening to and understanding your son’s feelings is going to help him stop acting out against your fiance, which will remove the greatest obstacle to his tying the knot with you.Please let me know how your situation progresses.
