Hi Dr.,This is my problem.. I m still in love with Justin. Here is the situation.. We were together for 5 years. I found out I was PG. About 8 months into the pregnacy Justin told everyone in his life we were going to be married..Three days later on Christmas he told me he no longer loved me and that we were over..Crushed I went on to have my beautiful daughter alone. With the promise that Justin would not start a relationship with anyone else until after her birth. He keep his promise but about 2 months after she was born Justin started sleeping with my bestfriend..Sharla (My bestfriend) was married and had two children of her own. She and I had almost a sister like relationship.I needless to say was absolutely crushed. This relationship, (Justin and Sharla) has gone on now for a year and a half. Justin and myself are always at each others troats. I venture to say I hate him.. But its simply not true. I think about him almost daily. And I still love him with all my heart. Despite the fact that I have a wonderful live in boyfriend who has been taking care of my daught and myself for over a year. I know I dont love my boyfriend. And here is the real kicker. Justin is moving to Georgia for a year and will not be with Sharla for the same amout of time. She will be moving to Austin. I think away for her he will end the relationship for good. I love him but here is my questions. I dont think if we did ever get back together that I could get over what he has done with Sharla. and How long will it take me to get over loving him? Can you love someone your not with for the rest of your life? 3) Do you think that he and I could ever have a honest loving relationship again. Please, Please help me. I have been given so much advise I just dont know what to do.. I cant afford a counselor and I really need to start loving myself again.Thank you… Strange SituationP.S.- as much as this story sounds made up or like a Soap Opera its really true and I really am searching for an answer.
You have been put through the meat grinder. I don’t even know how you held yourself together to write to me.Your question was four-fold: Could you ever forgive him if you got together again? Why can’t you let go of him? How can you let go? And can you ever learn to love again? (By the way, one of the Advice Guides, free with Chat Membership, explains how to trust and love again after a break-up).O.K. The first question, could you forgive him if you got together again. This is a hypothetical question that can’t be answered. The only way to know how you will feel is to be in that situation and see. I suspect that you are asking this question because you have a secret fantasy that you two will reunite and that you will be able to forgive him.This leads into your second question. Why can’t you let go and how can you. I have been saying for some time now that when we can’t let go of an issue or person that has damaged us, we have a strong clue that unfinished childhood business is operating.Why? Because every human on this planet has a deep craving, a compulsion to heal the wounds of childhood. This craving causes us to choose lovers who resemble the parent(s) that let us down (called the repetition compulsion). As I have already explained many times, the repetition compulsion is an unconscious mechanism which causes us to choose partners who are carbon copies of our parent(s). This in turn causes a recreation of the original wound. For example, a woman that was abandoned by her father, will marry an abandoner.Once the early history has been recreated, the unconscious mind devotes itself to trying to achieve a happy ending to the childhood trauma. So, the person hangs on and keeps hoping for her happy ending, that is that the abandoning husband won’t abandon her. Only, the happy ending never occurs because our lovers and husbands are damaged just as our parents were, and are therefore incapable of providing the happy ending we crave. The only way out: choose partners who are capable of giving what we need instead of choosing partners that aren’t capable and struggling to obtain blood from stones.So, in your case, it sounds like you can’t let him go because you don’t want to give up the hope that you can heal your old wound. Unfortunately, the father of your child is an abandoner, and I don’t hold out hope of his changing. Even if he returned, you’d be in the same boat again one day–left holding the bag. (In spite of his abandoning you and your child, note that you still hope he comes back and that you can forgive him.)I’m not saying to stop hoping for your healing. You can even hope that this man will return. But, know where the hope comes from and know that the hope is a fairy tale that can never be. Seeing this will help you give him up.And, finally, in answer to your last question, can you ever love again, when you are able to give up your old boyfriend, you will have energy available to find someone who can give you your happy ending.You will love again, but first you must recognize why you have been so attached to your old boyfriend. Retain the hope for your healing, but make room for a person who is capable of providing that healing, secure, faithful love. That is what you need and deserve and don’t settle for less.
