Sorry for the long sob story, really dont know what to say.
Currently am in Uni residence, I have the misfortune of being almost in love with one of my flatmates.
She is a virgin, having never even had a relationship before (I have had a few, but have never caught feelings unlike this time). She is also a very affectionate person, she will just randomly cling onto you, but she doesn’t think much of it, she does this to everyone.
We had some sort of a relationship for about 2 weeks, amidst her trying to understand her feelings and decide if she likes me, we didn’t do very much sexually, and I ended up having to break it off because it was clear she didn’t have any relationshippy-feelings for me, leaving me to do all of the mental heavy lifting to the point where i couldn’t take it.
After that we stayed friends, but she would still cling onto me, and mostly me, saying that she feels the most comfortable around me because (in short) we’ve basically had sex.
After getting drunk one night she basically started acting like a real girlfriend to me, really close to me, wanting to be with me, comforting look in her eyes.
We got home, sobered up and slept together, this time felt more real though, like she actually really cared about me….. after though, she’s gone slightly curt, and is seemingly trying to distance herself from me emotionally and physically.
My flatmates are constantly making jokes about it, but on a more serious note they are starting to feel bad for us, me for being toyed with, and her for not knowing what she feels.
I really want a relationship with her, she has demonstrated clearly she can meet me half way.
It does feel like she likes me, and could be with me, but mentally she’s stopping herself, or she’s scared of something.
I just don’t know what to do, is she just playing mind games with me? Am I just overthinking things?
It’s driving me insane how she emotionally comes and goes, to the point it leaves me awake all night almost in tears….
Your torment leaps from the page. My heart goes out to you.
I don’t think she’s intentionally playing you, but her internal conflict is causing her to run and hot and cold, come in close and pull away. Of course, you, on the receiving end of this behavior, feel toyed with.
What I hear is trauma. I sense that she is afraid to become $$$ because she is terrified of being abandoned. She likely grew up with an inconsistent parent who came close and then pulled away. This kind of parenting creates an anxious person who is afraid to get close to others for fear of being dropped again. What we are seeing in her behavior is a preemptive strike in which she pulls away befor$$$e the other person can abandon her.
There is only one avenue to take at this point. You have to get her talking about what’s really going on. I would talk to her directly and tell her that it seems she has mixed feelings about forming a relationship with you. Her push-pull behavior says to you that she has some kind of injury that is making her run scared. I would ask her to talk about where she thinks her fear is coming from. Did her mother behave in a hot and cold way? Did one of her parents actually leave home?
I would explain to her that the highest and most divine purpose of our intimate relationships is to help each other heal our Old Scars from childhood. These Old Scars always interfere with our ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. I would tell her that you care about her and want to help her to heal. The only way for her to heal is to form a relationship with someone who is not going to abandon her. Her job is to stick with you and not act on her fear by pulling away. Pulling away relieves the tension temporarily but doesn’t solve the problem. What will solve the problem is to talk with you when the fear comes up but not go into action by running away. Over time, talking with you each time her fear arises, and feeling your loving arms holding her through the fear, will repair her injury.
I would also remind her that pulling away will never fix her problem. She will be on this revolving door the rest of her life until she commits to healing the issue with the help of someone who truly cares and is willing to invest in her and the relationship with her.
One more point. I suspect that you have a similar injury. That you are so attracted to a partner who pulls away from you, and so desperate to have her love you, makes me think that you had a similar parent to hers. I suspect that you were abandoned too. Your injury would lead you to choose a partner like the parent who pulled away from you, hoping that this time around you will succeed in winning your parent’s consistent love.
What we have here is a chance for you to heal as well $$$ if we can help her commit to not running away when she gets scared.
If she is not willing to commit to this healing plan, then you will have to step away and grieve. Otherwise, she will continue to reinjure you and tear off the scab of your abandonment wounds!
I am hoping that she agrees to the plan to heal together.
Please let me know what happens. I am rooting for you both.