My boyfriend and I recently ended a three year involvement. He moved to a different state, because of a job transfer one year ago and somehow we held on to each other until now. I still love him and he still loves me.We both have unsolved miseries from our past relationships. I am brutally honest, he is not. I know the relationship needs to be over; however, the familiar pain is extreme. please advise and name the steps to get over a broken heart.Thanks
This is a great question. I wish that I had a fool-proof formula for you. Since every one needs slightly different medicine, I can only supply some basic pointers. Know that they may need to be modified to suit your personal needs.So, here it is. Dr. Love’s Ten Steps to Healing a Broken Heart.1) Surround Yourself With Love: Make sure that you spend as much times as possible with people who love and care for you.2) Learn From the Failure: Turn the failed relationship into an opportunity for growth. Take time out to analyze what went wrong. Discover what you can do to improve yourself, so that you will have a better shot next time around.3) Don’t Blame Yourself: It is a common to attack the self after a break-up, which only heightens the feelings of failure and defeat. Know that if you are self-attacking that you are probably feeling angry with your ex. . So, own your angry feelings and don’t turn them back on your self.4) Discover Your Unfinished Business: If you’ve been reading my columns for a while, you know that most of us try to heal the wounds of childhood through our adult love relationships. So, find out about your unfinished childhood business (see my Advice Archives) and learn what type of healing you need.5) Heal the Unfinished Business: Once you know what childhood wounds you were hoping to heal through your ex. , make a plan to heal these wounds. Go to therapy, join a group. Do whatever you need to do to move forward. Doing so will create a healthy foundation for your next relationship.6) Create a Profile of Your Next Lover: Once you make the decision to not replay the wounds of childhood, your next job is to make the resolution to choose a new partner who is capable of meeting your needs. So write up a profile of your ideal mate, including all the details you can think of–looks, personality traits, interests, hobbies, personal qualities, etc. . Make sure to post the profile on the fridge and see yourself with this new person. Creative visualization is a powerful way to bring a healthier relationship into your life.7) Do Not Dwell: After a break-up, it is common to dwell on the failed relationship. When you do so, it is also common to wallow in misery and bad feelings, which slows the process of letting go. So, transform this stagnant energy into a more productive task.8) Be Active and Eat Well: After a break-up, it is common to feel depressed and down on yourself, and when this happens, you will be less inclined to take care of yourself.Letting yourself go will make you feel even worse. So, treat yourself with love and care, and this will help ready you for your next relationship.9) Give Yourself Time to Heal: You don’t need to feel that you must begin dating right after a break-up. Take time to heal and pamper your psyche. Start a new hobby or activity. The activity will fill the void that is left by the exit of your lover. And, who knows, you may just meet your next partner at that butterfly collecting class!10) Let Go of Your Anger: In order to move forward in life and start a new relationship, you will need to let go of your anger toward your ex. . Realize that the relationship failed because your needs were incompatible or your ex. was damaged goods. Whatever the reason, let go of the rage and resentment. Doing so will heal your heart and free you for another.