Dear Dr. Love,I am a 31 year old male and I am still a virgin. This is however not by choice. I have wanted for a long time to be in a loving sexual relationship. but as of yet never have seemed to be able to make a connection with another woman. Part of the problem is that I am very shy about meeting women in general. especially the ones I am attracted to. What can I do to take steps to growing in this area, or is it too late for me?Thank you.
You sound sensitive and delightful. You are not the only man who is shy. In fact most people are shy. The only difference here is that you are acting on your shyness (hanging back) so, as a result, you haven’t had success–yet.Your hanging back is probably due to a fear of rejection–if I take a chance, I’ll be told no. And, the longer you hang back the more insecure you feel about yourself, hence, the fear of rejection becomes worse over time.So, what can you do. First of all, read my Advice Archives. I have written a lot of articles about fear of rejection, lack of self-esteem, shyness and so on. These articles will show you how to overcome this block.One thing that the articles will show you how to do is to desensitize ( numb) yourself to the prospect of rejection. You can practice, in your mind, asking a person out and imagine being told no. Feel the feelings, the hurt, pain, etc. As you practice, you will realize that the feels are pretty crappy, but they don’t kill you. And, they certainly aren’t worse than the feelings of defeat that you suffer every minute.You can also work on your neuro-associations. In other words, reprogram your mind so that you feel like a winner for trying, independent of the outcome. And, remind yourself that, if you don’t try that you will suffer forever, whereas if you take a chance, you will suffer temporarily, but, at least you will have the pride of knowing you tried, which can actually boost your self-esteem and make you more confident to approach women in the future.You can also perfect your interpersonal skills. People are drawn to those who show interest, ask questions and have positive things to say about them. In other words, if you focus less on yourself and more on the object of your interest, you are already improving your chances. One of the Advice Guides that I offer in the Chat Membership section explains, in detail, how you can improve your chances of being told yes when you ask someone out. I encourage you to become a chat member, so that you can benefit from this and all the other guides.And, finally, many people do well when they join a hobby club. There you meet people who share your common interests. Conversation is easier to begin around common interests. Striking up friendships is a good way to begin. In fact, the greatest love affairs, and the happiest marriages began as good friendships.So, read my Archives, become a Chat Member and you will be on your way.