Hi Dr. Turndorf,I met my first love when I was 17. I am 41 now and it’s been off and on due to me and I guess him. We went out a couple of years ago. He asked ‘where is this leading to?’ I didn’t answer him till 10 months later in a card when I told him I liked him and wanted a relationship.He found someone during that time. Now he says he’s attached but wants to get together with me on the computer as we were talking he wanted my picture. At first I told him I wouldn’t go out with him if he has a girl friend. Now I changed my mind and said yes.Is it my fault that I am not having a relationship because I didn’t answer the question where is this leading to? Should I take a chance with him because it’s my fault I am not with him or should I wake up and smell the coffee that he’s a jerk. I REALLY LIKE HIM. Thank you for your advice.
You do see the world in black and white terms!I say this because your question revolves around figuring out if it’s your fault his–is he’s a jerk? This type of black and white thinking results in self-attack or attack on the other person, both of which aren’t healthy and makes your life miserable your relationships non-existent or very rocky.The first thing you need to see is that the world isn’t simply black or white!You’d be much better off approaching this predicament and all aspects of yourself and your life in a more nuanced way. Instead of judging and finding fault with him or you, seek to find insight and understanding so that you can grow as a person and improve your life.If you’re interested to move to this new level then let’s gain some understanding as to why you are in the mess you’re in. The most obvious issue I see is that you both are afraid of becoming too close to each other. You have loved each other since you were seventeen years old and still haven’t come together!When he came toward you and asked you to tell him what you want out of the relationship, you stepped back and answered him 10 months later! That is tentative. Now he’s involved with someone else and he’s using that attachment as a tool to dilute his connection with you.So, he needs to be with someone else in order to feel safe enough to approach you. You both are emotional twins. In reality you both need to understand why you are so afraid of becoming closer. Is it fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of merger or engulfment?There are many possibilities and to help you figure out which problem is yours, I have created online consultations that decipher exactly what the problem is for him and for you. The consult, ‘Why is My Relationship with Him on the Rocks’ will help you identify the problems he has and whether he is or isn’t ready for a relationship.My Psychological Check-Up (it will be online soon) will help you figure out if you, yourself, have baggage that interferes with your relationships. This consult pinpoints the exact problems you have and gives you concrete steps to heal these problems!So instead of blaming him or you, get the facts about yourselves and get healed. Then and only then will you both be able to form a lasting connection with each other.