Hi, I’m a male in my younger 30’s and have been in a relationship for about one year to my girlfriend who’s in her 20’s. Everything is going extremely well and we love each other very much. Here’s where I need some advice… This is hard to admit, but I have a fantasy about sharing/watching my girlfriend with another guy. I try to ignore the fantasy as much as I can but it always comes back. She’s a beautiful person inside and out and we have a great relationship. Should I try to kick this fantasy or come clean with her about it and get it off my shoulders? I look forward to your thoughts.
The only two options you came up with is to try to kick the fantasy or come clean with her about it. There is another option. Accept the fantasy and but don’t tell her.
There is no rule that says we should verbalize every thought, feeling or fantasy to our partners. A relationship is not a confession booth! Besides, humans are filled with all kinds of thoughts, feelings and fantasies, many of which are downright nuts! A healthy person allows all thoughts, feelings and fantasies to exist without trying to get rid of them—that’s an exercise in futility! Take the example of telling yourself not to think about a pink elephant. That’s all you can think about. When you try to stop thoughts, the brain will fight back with a vengeance. The idea is not to try to put reins on thoughts, feelings or fantasies.
What we want to put the reins on is our behavior!
As a species, humans need to develop greater impulse control—to train ourselves to not act on every thought, feeling or urge. That means if we’re angry, not hauling off and belting someone but rather filtering the raw urges through the intellect and deciding whether to act or not or speak or not.
The goal is to reach the point in which you can allow any feeling, fantasy or thought so long as you know that you need not and should not act on most of your thoughts, feelings and fantasies. For example, let’s say you are furious with your boss and have the fantasy of bashing his brains in. You aren’t going to do it, but you can allow yourself to be free to have the thought. Feelings do not equal actions!
When it comes to sharing our thoughts and feelings, there is only one relationship rule of thumb. You have to ask yourself will saying what I am thinking or feeling be beneficial to not only myself, but also beneficial to my partner and our relationship?
Your option to get it off your shoulders is an option that is all about you—to relieve your internal pressure. But what about her? Will relieving yourself be at her expense?
Do you think she’s the kind of person who would welcome such a revelation? Is she into kinky sex and threesomes?
If you are doubting whether to tell her you already know that she likely will not welcome such an admission.
You said that you both love each other and it sounds like your relationship bond is strong. Acting on such a fantasy is playing with fire. Every couple I have ever met who brought a third party into their bedroom stirred up a hornet’s nest. All kinds of jealousy and insecurities invariably take over and the relationship ends up getting eroded.
At this point, what is more important than what you say to her is gaining greater understanding into yourself.
It would be good for you to do a little soul-searching on why the idea of sharing your girlfriend with another man appeals to you. Sometimes men have these fantasies of bringing another man into the bed as an unconscious way of being able to have sex with another man without admitting to themselves that they are gay or bi-sexual.