I don’t know from where to start …my partner gets angry at small things …I really cannot understand what he wants sometimes he makes me the happiest other time he makes me feel worthless…he is in hotel management and currently working very hard for his internship and I send him text every single day I really want him to know I m here with him….he had a very traumatic past …His real mom abused him and he has a step mom …his dad loves him….he was very good at the start of the relationship but now I feel like he is changed….He is very scared to talk to me cause he feels that I m gonna fight with him and leave him and he gets jealous very fast …I really love him …all I want is his time…I feel like I m detaching from him cause we don’t talk much and I really want him to be the part of my life and he gets angry at one thing and that thing is gonna extend up to 1 week and it is very hard to keep him happy No matter how hard I try he still gets upset …I really don’t know …should I put effort in this relationship or should I just leave him?? I love him but I don’t know if he does..what should I do?
I understand your question. You are dealing with a very injured person. He flip-flops from being the wounded child to being the abusive parent he grew up with. When you makes you feel worthless, he is doing to you what was done to him by his abusive mother. He has not only been abused, but also abandoned. So, he is afraid to speak directly with you, for fear that you will abandon him as well. So he stores up his feelings associated with things that you’ve said or done that didn’t land right. The pain festers, and he goes into his wounded child place. Then, the wounded child feels entitled to get his feelings out and he blows up at you, which is the only way he knows how to behave and communicate.
The first thing you need to realize is that you are trying to make someone happy. This is not in your power to do.
This guy needs serious therapy.
I would lay out for him exactly what he is doing. Tell him that when he is arranging to get you to abandon him the way his mother abandoned him. He behaves like his mother. When he’s angry he becomes abusive like his mother and belittles you and gives you the silent treatment for weeks on end.
I would tell him that he is recreating his past by dumping on you the way his mother dumped on him, he is on the one hand getting out his anger at her, but by mistreating you, he is going to end up pushing you away permanently and reliving his abandonment.
I would tell him that if he wants to keep this relationship, he needs to get therapy.
And, I would also advise you to no longer reward his mistreatment of you. The minute he starts to belittle you, put your hand up and say, “You may not speak to me that way. When you are calmed down and ready to describe, with no verbal attacking, what I said or did that didn’t land right, I will listen and understand. I will no longer give you any attention when you mistreat me.”
He needs to be trained by you on what he may and may not do to you.
Nobody set limits on his mother. He learned that abusive behavior is acceptable. He has modeled after her behavior. Now he needs limits.
If he doesn’t straighten out his behavior toward you, you need to do more than detach emotionally, you need to step away from him.
You may love him, but you have to love yourself more.
Please let me know how you make out.
