Dear Dr love,I am very attracted to this friend who has low self confidence. I am his only close girl-friend cos I have been taking initiative despite his coldness. All the while I had been dropping little signs of attraction for him during our group outings.However, he did not seem to respond and finally I decided for a confession, expecting him to start avoiding me so that I can move on. However he didnt avoid me as expected even though he said he is not in for relationships.From then on, his attitude towards me seems to be a bit better than cold but still not much initiative from him. After a few months I decided to get clearer answers from him about the kind of girls he is looking for and he told me he is looking for someone he has feelings for. However he is not the kind to take initiative even if he met someone he really likes (he met before and nothing was done).When I asked if I can only forever be friends his answer was, don’t know. It was until I say i can’t take it and he said yah. However, I am still not ready to give it all up.Dr love, is he just taking care of my feelings when he answered I don’t know or there is still slight hope of developing? I am prepared to give more in hope of touching his heart. . . . is it adviceable?Thank you for ur advice.
Your letter breaks my heart. You give so much and you get back nothing. In fact, I’m sure you’d get more response from a stone! I know that you have described this man as lacking confidence. While that may be true, he is also very cruel to you.He hasn’t responded to your romantic overtures because he said he needs to have feelings for the person he dates. Telling you this is the same as saying that he doesn’t have feelings for you. As for friendship, you offered him one of the most beautiful gifts–the gift of eternal friendship and all he could tell you is he doesn’t know if he wants to accept your gift. His response is downright mean.You are caught in what’s called an unconscious repetition compulsion. I’ve spoken about this problem over the years. In case you’re new to me, I’ll give you a crash course.In the absence of therapy, the unconscious part of the mind knows only one way to try to heal the wounds suffered as a child. That way is to recreate your early wound and work for a happy ending this time around. The first part of the recreation involves finding a partner who emotionally resembles the parent who let you down (I call this Setting the Stage). Once the stage is set, the replay of your childhood begins. In no time you’re hurting, disappointed or angry, but still you don’t give up on your partner. To give up would feel like giving up the hope of healing your early wound.So you stick with your partner and never stop trying. In fact, you try harder and harder to be giving and loving (sound familiar?) hoping that you will finally win the love you lacked as a kid. The only problem with the repetition compulsion is that it never does heal your early wound, precisely because the people we choose to replay our childhoods with are as limited or damaged as our parents were and they can’t give any more or better than our parents did.If you step back and study your situation, you will see that you are caught in a repetition compulsion. You must see that you are never going to get the love you crave from this man. Never!This means that we need to find another way of healing your wound. A good way is to enter individual or group therapy, where you will develop relationships with people who care about you. When your wound is healed, you will see that this man is not at all a good lover or friend for you.You will also be in a better position to establish a healthy, give and take relationship. Let me know how you make out.