This is a long story but I’ll try and make it short. I met my first love again after 38 years. We fell in love and he asked me to move in with him. My home town was in Hertfordshire his in Lancashire.My home was and is spotless. His was falling down around him, plaster hanging off walls and ceilings about to fall down. I gave up everything to be with him. He promised me the house would be sorted but his job was so demanding (which he loves) that nothing ever got done. There was always an excuse.5 months after moving all my furniture I couldn’t cope with the mess, my nerves were in shreds so I moved back to my home. although his is private and mine is council, my little house is spotless. He was aware I couldnt cope with with his house and the area yet he says he doesnt understand why I went home and said he cried for 2 days.He has been to see me twice since my return and is very aware as to my feelings for him. I have asked would he try and get a job in his profession in Hertfordshire and he has said he will look. I asked would he come to live with me and he said never say never but he has to concentrate on his job and who knows what will happen.As far as he is concerned he loves me and says he always will but that isn’t answering my question. What do you think ? Should I carry on waiting cause I love him and miss him terribly or should I get on with my life, cause Im not sure what he is saying.
I can see that you love this man, but the question is are you both compatible? You clearly have a glaring value conflict–you’re neat and he’s casual–to say the least–when it comes to orderliness.Such differences are hard to get around. You took off from his house because you couldn’t stand the mess and because you hated the area in which he lives. Now you have asked him to move to your area.I suspect that you have asked him to move to your area (and perhaps in with you) because you are laboring under the unspoken fantasy that life would be better for you both if he were to live in your tidy place. The reality is that your values will clash, no matter where he lives. Your house is clean now, but it won’t remain this way with him in it, not unless you hire round the clock cleaning help and/or become his maid/slave.Your problems extend beyond a value conflict. You also have to contend with his putting work ahead of his relationship with you. When you lived with him, his busy schedule prevented him from ordering his environment, which he had promised to do, but never found the time to fulfill.Now you are asking him to move near you, and he says, once again, that work prevents him from doing so. Work always seems to stand between you and him. The issue here is who and/or what he places first in his life.Time isn’t going to solve this problem, which means that waiting isn’t the answer. What you do need is point out his pattern of putting work ahead of you.Next tell him that his actions are a form of communication. Because actions can be interpreted in many ways, he needs to translate his behavior into words so that you can understand what he’s telling you. Keep in mind that he may be unaware of the thoughts and feeling that drive his behavior, so you may not get very far at first. But do keep asking the right questions, which will help open up his mind and assist him in becoming more and more self aware.I would also consider telling him that he seems to be running scared. The fact is we all have mixed feelings about getting close to others. This fear can be expressed in many ways, from physical distancing, to behaving in ways that drive the other person away or burying oneself in work, to name but a few manifestations of the fear.If you study his behavior towards you, you can see that he has pushed you away from the beginning by not keeping his promise to clean up his house, which was so off-putting. His vague comment (‘never say never’) in response to your question will he move to your area also says that he’s scared to commit.Tell him that he’s sending you mixed signals. He says he loves you, yet avoids finding work in your area. Ask him to talk about his mixed feelings. What part of him wants to stay away? Is he afraid to move near you and see the relationship fall apart again?When you get him talking, you will know where he stands, which will put you in a better position to evaluate your options. Good luck with him.
