I’m 32 yrs old. My wife and I have been married for 2 years. At first we had sex everyday until a few months ago. I work 2 jobs, 14 hours a day. I have had these jobs for about a year and a half.The past couple of months she has been asking me to have sex with her but I wasn’t really interested because of not having alot of energy. Recently I had surgery and had 2 weeks of rest. Now that I have the energy back, it seems now that she doesn’t want to do anything.I get the excuse that ‘I’m not in the mood’ and other excuses. I’m trying to get her interesed again but nothing seems to be working. I’m going crazy.
She’d rather die by her own sword, rather than by yours–or the lack of yours. Let me break this down. We humans like to be in control. Certainly, asking for sex and being refused made her feel very out of control.So, what she has done is cut the circuit breaker to her sexuality. Now you can’t refuse her, disappoint her, hurt her or anger her, since she is the one who has no desire. Keep in mind that she may have cut off as an unconscious form of self protection or she may be consciously sticking it to you by with a taste of your own medicine.The only way to know which of the two causes of her behavior is operating is to ask her. Start by investigating the most benign interpretation–that she has unconsciously cut off to protect herself. To explore this possibility, you could ask her, ‘I notice that you aren’t in the mood for sex any more and I wonder if this is a reaction to having been refused by me. ‘Sit back and see what she says. An open discussion may reveal that the second hypothesis–that she is expressing her anger toward you by no longer being interested in sex–is also true. Even if she isn’t aware of it, I am sure that she has been sitting on a lot of negative feelings toward you, so try to get her talking about these feelings.You can help resolve these negative feelings by telling her that your period of sexual disinterest had nothing to do with her or your lack of desire for her; it was simply the result of physical exhaustion. Once the feelings are talked through, that should help break the sexual ice.
