Hi, I recently got married, to a wonderful woman, with whom I’m very much in love. I’m 29, and she’s 24. I’ve been in a few relationships before, but this is her first serious one.The problem is that, when we make love, if she has an orgasm, it’s invariably very powerful, and everything is fine. However, if she doesn’t have an orgasm, for whatever reason, it’s absolute hell, as she gets quite upset and her mood totally changes, rejecting all attempts to kiss, cuddle or even talk. She also often cries at this moment.This usually tends to result in a sleepless night, or at the very least a lot of heartache. She says that it’s a physical reaction thing, and that she feels that there’s nothing to be done. That makes it a bit like Russian Roulette! What can be done? I’m desperate for a good night’s sleep!
You poor man. Soon you’re going to be too tired to have sex at all!Let me explain what’s happening to your wife. In simple terms, the unconscious part of the brain views sex (and money, for that matter) as synonymous with love. I know your wife thinks that she’s crying because she’s sexually frustrated and nothing more.However, I’m quite sure that when she feels sexually frustrated she is crying because she felt empty and unloved as a child because one or both of her parents either abandoned or mistreated her in some way. When she has good sex with you, her ‘love tank’ is temporarily filled and it masks the pain and emptiness inside her, but when sex is bad I think her unconscious mind recalls the empty, sad, frustrated feelings that she suffered as a child.Keep in mind that the association between sexual frustration and lack of love in childhood is completely beyond her conscious awareness. This is because the mind actually buries or represses bad childhood memories as a form of protection. While the memories may be lost, the feelings associated with these early memories can’t be pushed away because the mind desperately wants to bring the feelings to the surface in order to heal.As I explain in my book, the mind constantly compares and associates present day events with childhood experiences. When the unconscious mind sees a similarity between past and present, it unearths all the feelings of the past and fireworks go off precisely because the old buried feelings are coming up all at once. In fact, disproportionately strong feelings that don’t pass are THE clue that someone is experiencing the emotions associated with a childhood wound.Here’s the tricky part. Since the memories are buried and the associations are occurring on an unconscious level, it’s easy for her to be fooled into thinking that her upset is due to the present event, in this case sexual frustration, and nothing else. Keep in mind that a person who has been wounded in childhood will keep returning to the point of injury. This is a trauma reaction and it’s similar to post traumatic stress disorder in which a person sees flashbacks and keeps reliving a painful event.In your wife’s case, sexual frustration is just a trigger for the mountain of grief inside her and her mind keeps returning to this place and reliving it in an effort to heal. I know you’ve tried to talk to her and it doesn’t help. The reason it doesn’t help is because you’re talking to her about what’s happening in the present, while she’s crying over what happened in the past, only she doesn’t know it.In order to heal, she needs to become conscious of what is going on inside her. Explain to her about how childhood wounds resurface in adult relationships. Then encourage her to do my Personality Profile. This consultation will help her identify the exact wound she suffered as a child and give her step-by-step instruction on how to heal the wound that I uncover.Hang in there. Identifying and healing her wound is the light at the end of this tunnel for her and for you.