Hello,I am 19 years old. Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. Reasons being that I was selfish, dishonest many times, and I treated her friends like crap. However she told me she still wanted to be friends and when she gets herself situated she would get back with me.We were in love with each other and she always told me that I will always have her heart no matter what. But I made the mistake of trying to push her to change her mind. This caused her to get even more mad and she told me I was still thinking of myself and I can stay with my selfish self ALONG with some other things. I told her I was sorry but she was still annoyed.I left her alone the next day but I decided that maybe it would be a good step for me to change my ways so to speak and so I e-mailed two of her guy friends and 1 of her female friends that knew pretty much all about me but knew I didn’t like them. I told them I was sorry for the way I treated them.To make a long story short she called me enraged and she told me to leave her friends alone as well as her. Dr. Turndorf, I love this girl with all my heart. I wish I can tell you more but my space on this is limited. PLEASE help me tell me what you think I should do to at least establish a friendship with her and go from there.I’m afraid I’ve lost her forever. I think that now she hates me and doesn’t care if I live or die. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME.THANKS
It sounds like your girlfriend has felt wiped out and mistreated by you for quite some time. When you pushed her to change her mind, she felt that once again your needs and wants were being put ahead of hers.I think that she also interpreted your contacting her friends as a way of manipulating the situation so that you could get what you want and get her back. Beneath her fury is hurt and disappointment.If you want this woman back you are going to need to do a major overhaul on yourself! You are going to need to learn what I call Partial Identification, which means to put yourself in your beloved’s shoes and ask yourself before you say or do anything, how will she feel if I say this or do that.You must learn to put her ahead of yourself. This is your cure and the only way to overcome the selfish, inconsiderate and dishonest behavior that you’ve been exhibiting. Make no mistake.Partial Identification is a way of life, not something you do temporarily to win someone back (that would be selfish and manipulative!).If you can honestly say you’re ready, then read on. Give her some time to cool-off and then tell her that you spoke to me. Tell her that you think you understand why she was so furious with you. Tell her what I said above and ask her if it’s true. Then ask her to tell you about the anger that she’s been harboring toward you.Listen, reflect back what she says and show her that you truly understand. Take what she says to heart. Tell her that you are committed to growing and expanding yourself. Tell her that you know your growth isn’t going to happen over night and that you would like her to point out to you in a calm way (not screaming and yelling at you) any time you lapse.If she feels that you understand and accept responsibility for your past and future wrongs AND she sees your ongoing efforts to grow, her anger will subside and you will win her back.
