Dr. Love,I have been dating this wonderful guy for about 4 months. I really do love him and things are almost perfect between us. I am going away to college in the fall and i am afraid of losing him. We have talked this over and he shares the same fear. It is hard to go day to day realizing I will be gone shortly. I think this is effecting him more than me. I do not know what to tell him to resure him that I only want to be with him. I hope you can help.Thanks alot, scared & concerned
You ask me to help you reassure your boyfriend that you only desire him. Have you told him these words? If you have told him and he still isn’t reassured, then we need to find out why. Have you both discussed the fact that no matter how much you talk, the fear still persists? If you have talked and still don’t feel resolved, this means that you haven’t yet discovered the real source of the fear. Is it possible that there are other, unrecognized fears that haven’t been brought to the surface?For example, are you both afraid that you will be lonely and find other people out of desperation? Are you afraid that you will meet partners that are more attractive or better for you both? You both need to brainstorm with each other and reach the bottom of this emotional barrel. Once you know all the sources of your fears, then you both can set out to resolving them.So, do some more exploration, and uncover all your fears. Keep in mind, that fear is a normal and natural feeling given your situation. Many times people want to rid themselves of unwanted feelings. But, realize that this is not a healthy goal in life. It is healthier to be fully alive, which means having all your feelings, positive and negative.The fact that you are both capable of loving means that you can’t escape the other human emotions, including fear. Talking should lessen the intensity of the fear, as will identifying all the other hidden sources of fear, but, in order for the fear to lessen even more, I think you will both need to actually make the separation and find that you can brave the distance and still maintain your love. Others have done it. So can you.So, let me know how your talks proceed. And, contact me again so that I can hear that your relationship has indeed survived this separation. Remember, if you are right for each other, this temporary separation will mean nothing in the scheme of life. Take care.