The ride’s tearing me apart and I don’t know how to get off; I don’t want to get off. Help!I’m 36 years old and have admitted commitment issues. I consider myself very attrative, in good physical shape, and have a succesfull career. I’ve had a lot of wonderful women come into my life and none of them were ‘the one. ‘I could use any excuse why, they just weren’t.One year ago I met the women of my dreams. The relation- ship was long distance. We established a wonderful friendship over the phone for two months that led to many romantic trips where we would both meet in the middle.She was everything I had dreamed of, a successful indenpendent, 31 year old women. Someone that didn’t ‘need’ me. It was magical.Three months into this, outside my better judgement, I told her I was falling in love with her. I was sure she felt the same. All of her actions were clear to me that she felt the same–wrong! Or, so she says.I was devestated, I cried (probably a mistake. ) She said so wanted no commitment. Damn, I’d met myself. No commitments. The relationship continued. Even became more intense but, the tempo of the relationship was also controlled by her and it was only good out of town.If I came to her house she turned into a cold, distant person. I felt so unwanted. We continued the trips where we would meet in the middle and everthing was wonderful. Until she droped the bomb that she still had feelings for another man who lived 3 states away finishing a degree.He would come visit during breaks. She told me about him because she felt she was cheating on me somehow, even though we had no commitment. She told me he was very religious and they had never held hands, kissed, let alone had sex but there was something about him, an intrigue she couldn’t break.She said they had very little in common but she had great respect for him. She even said she really didn’t like a lot of things about him. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted her just to go away. ‘If this is the guy you want why aren’t you calling him!’I told her. Her response: ‘he’s not available to me. ‘I questioned her intrigue about this guy and she admitted she goes for guys that don’t want her, even addmitted that she had never had a real conversation with her father until she was out of college at age 24.I questioned her about us.She said ‘everythings wonderful, but somethings missing.Anyway, the relationship is over.For months our relationship has been a festering sore waiting to scabe over. And it finally ended when the guy she was hanging onto to told her she should go on with her life because he was moving away after finishing his degree.My questions now are:1. Why did she become so distant when I was in her house even though I was invited.2. I love this women, but I know the game, because I’ve played it all my life. When something’s gone, I want it back desperately. I refuse to contact her but I know for a fact she’ll be calling because I’v done it to every women I’ve pushed away, I wanted them back. What do I say that day not to push her away and to make her feel safe?3. Why did we end when ‘the other guy’bailed on her?4. And, is there any hope for either one of us allowing someone to love us?
I will answer your questions in the order that you presented them.1. Why did she become so distant when I was in her house even though I was invited. Out of town it was wonderful?When you enter her house, you enter her territory on more than just a physical level. To the unconscious mind, bringing someone home is similar feels like offering greater access to the inner self. This exposure is not so great when meeting out of town, in more neutral territory. For someone who has intimacy fears, like she does, allowing you into her home would be threatening. In order to offset the feeling of vulnerability, she distanced herself from you when you were at her home.2. I love this women, but I know the game, because I’ve played it all my life. When something’s gone, I want it back desperately. I refuse to contact her but I know for a fact she’ll be calling because I’ve done it to every women I’ve pushed away, I wanted them back. What do I say that day not to push her away and to make her feel safe?You need to understand that there are no magic formulas for this type of issue. When someone is terrified of intimacy, the cause of the fear must be identified and resolved. And, no ‘tricks’or fancy words will bring that about. The process of resolution is slow and painstaking. What you can do is say something that will hopefully begin the process.For example, you might say, ‘I understand you because we are similar. You are as scared as I am of getting too close. And, I also know that you will only want me as long as you don’t have me. Once I come back to you, you will run for the hills. The big question is do you want to work with me on healing the problem? If she is open and willing to admit her issue, then you are in the door.3. Why did we end when ‘the other guy’ bailed on her?Because the other guy was a buffer. As long as he was in the picture, there was built-in distance between you–the other guy and her supposed attachment to him. But, once he bit the dust, she was too emotionally naked and had to run from you.4. And, is there any hope for either one of us allowing someone to love us? It’s what I want most desperately and what I most fear.Now you are talking. By asking this question, I see that you are ready to begin facing your fears. While you seem ready to do this, I can’t speak for her. So, let’s talk about you can begin to heal.First, you need to identify why you are so terrified to love and be close to someone else. The most common reasons are: fear of rejection and/or abandonment, and/or fear of dependency. Once you understand what is the exact nature of your fear (fear of abandonment, dependency, etc. ) you are dealing with, the next step is to figure out where your fear stems from.To do this, you need to think about what went wrong for you growing up. In a nutshell, one or both of your parents let you down in a big way, and as a result of their behavior, you learned to fear love and view it as dangerous and painful.Dredge up pertinent childhood memories. Once you know where the problem stems from, you are not home free yet. I know that you crave closeness and love, and you know that to be a whole person, you will need to overcome the blocks to giving and receiving love. But the prospect of this closeness is terrifying you. So, how do you get around the bind?You will need to experience, first hand, that you can get close without being damaged. The best way to learn this is through a therapeutic relationship. I would suggest you find a modern psychoanalyst.If you need help finding a good one, let me know. A modern analyst is trained to help you form a relationship that heals the deficits from childhood. So, yes you can overcome your block and love, but you will need help to get there.As you begin to heal, you may be able to guide your friend in the same direction. I hope so.
