Dear Dr. Love, Maybe you can give me the advice that I have been searching for.About a year 1 1/2 ago, I met this guy that I really fell for. He doesn’t live very close so it is not often that we see each other. The reason for us meeting had to do with being’set up’by one of my friends mothers. Everyone was convinced that we would hit it off, and we did.Recently we have been talking quite a bit, and have started to talk about going out. Only concern is. . how do I tell him that I am a 21 year old virgin? We haven’t really discussed sex, but I am concerned that it will be something that is an issue before long.What is the best way to approach this? Do you think it will scare him off?I am scared to tell him that I am considering sex with him, but I want to make sure he cares about me. . What should I do?I know you are busy, but I would appreciate some advice. . Thank you very much.
I know that you are worried that your boyfriend will have a problem with the fact that you are a 21 year old virgin. It isn’t clear whether you are projecting your own discomfort onto him, or whether you are actually responding to signals that are coming from him. Figure that out before you do another thinIf the discomfort is with you, then you will handle the subject differently than if the problem rests with him. Let’s say that the problem is yours. Then you need to figure out what you’re afraid of. Do you think he will think that you are a reject that no one wanted? Is that how you feel about yourself? If so, perhaps you need to revamp your thinking on the subject. How about, ‘I was saving myself for the right man.’Keep in mind that how you feel about the issue will have a lot to do with how he receives the information. If you feel cool about it, then he should too. If you feel like a reject, he will pick that up and respond to you accordingly. If, on the contrary, you feel that you were saving yourself for the right guy, and you tell him so, he will probably feel honored. Finding out that a woman waited just for him is every man’s wet dream! Your other question was, ‘Will the news scare him off. ‘The fact that you are asking this makes me wonder if you are getting vibes from him that says he’s an intimacy phobic. If that is true, then finding out that you saved yourself for him could send him running. If so, then you need to couch the news in casual terms such as, ‘I am picky and never found somebody that I felt like having sex with.’That’s far less intense than saying I was saving myself for you and only you. Keep in mind that if this man is an intimacy phobic, he is going to be scared whether or not you saved yourself for him. My red flags are definitely blazing. I am worried that you are going to give yourself to someone who may not return your love.So, be very careful. Your fear may be warning you about him. I would suggest that you have a lot of discussion before you have sex with him. If you are afraid that this man is an intimacy phobic, then by all means ask him, ‘Why am I afraid that you are going to pull away after we get physically close?By asking these questions and checking him out beforehand, you may spare yourself a lot of heartache down the line. If he doesn’t give you the green lights that you are looking for, then you can choose to keep your knees together a little longer. You’ve waited this long, so who cares if you are a 21 or a 22 year old virgin.If the person is right for you, and ready for love and commitment, he will appreciate your having waited the extra month or year until he comes along.