I’ve been married for 9-years. My husband has a drinking problem. He drinks every single day of his life, anywhere from two six packs after work to more than a case a day when not working. In other words, he drinks until he passes out every night.Needless to say, it has drastically affected our sex life as well as all other aspects of life. We haven’t had a sexual relationship in over 4-years and we don’t do things together anymore because I don’t drink and he won’t go anywhere unless he can.I re-dedicated my life to God 3-1/2 years ago after leaving him for six months to re-evaluate my life. But I was miserable and felt like I couldn’t help him if I wasn’t there, so I moved back knowing that nothing had changed on his part. I was the only one changed. I felt a new peace in my life. We don’t fight about his drinking any more. It’s just accepted as a part of our lives now. I go to Church and he stays home and drinks.I married for better or worse and think that too many people take the easy way out these days and don’t give marriages a chance. But when is enough enough? Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing to sacrifice the love and compassion that I need as a person to support a husband that is not living for God or for us.Please advise.
I know that self-sacrifice and religious devotion are often viewed as one in the same. But, I want to tell you something that I tell many of my religious clients. You are not supposed to sacrifice to the point that you deny your own basic needs.Martyrs and saints aspire to a selfess life, knowing that their rewards will come in the hereafter. If you want to live your life like a monk, and are willing to receive your rewards in the afterlife, then by all means suffer away, expect nothing in this life and allow yourself to be neglected and abused.In my view, this is not a healthy way to live. No one is supposed to sacrifice his or her basic needs. You are supposed to be happy and have your basic needs met. Period.So, at this point, you need to decide. Do I want to live the life of a martyr and saint? If your answer is yes, then divorce and move into a convent. If you want to live in this world, then you must live by the laws of the average person. You must be healthily selfish and you also must receive.So, as I see it, it’s time to decide. If you decide to walk among the rest of us, then you live like a human being and demand for yourself.The funny thing is, as you demand more for yourself, you just might guide your husband into the path of healing. Tolerance and acceptance certainly won’t make him sober up.When you become more entitled to be treated like a valued wife not a martyr, and your husband gets the message that you’ve had it with his garbage, then and only then will he get help and change.So, my message to you is: help yourself and help him in the process.Good luck.