I’m curious on your thoughts about moving in together before marriage. My parents had lived together before getting married, they had a successful relationship for 30+ Years until my dad passed away. I’m comfortable with the idea and think it’s the next logical relationship progression however my girlfriend seems pretty adamant that she needs to have a ring before considering moving in together. She thinks that if we are cohabitating there’s no point in getting married and we should just be roommates. I get her point of view but don’t know how to navigate this. She made it seem like she would “give in” to the idea if push came to shove but i dont want that as i fear resentment would grow down the line.
You are trapped in what’s called a value-conflict here. Your girlfriend has a different set of values regarding living together than you do. Neither of you is wrong. You’re just very different.
What I also sense is that she is afraid that if she sets up house with you without a ring that you will be living together forever. In other words, she wants security that you are on the same commitment track that she is on.
You are right you don’t want to pressure her to do what she doesn’t feel comfortable doing.
My question for you is this: If the relationship continues to be the way it is now, would you want to marry this woman?
If so, then why not get engaged, give her a ring and move in together?
There are obviously no guarantees in life. People get married and marriages end. Engagements and marriages end. A ring just conveys your intention to marry her. An engagement ring says to her that you want to marry her and that, in your mind, living together is the first step toward marriage.
In her mind, if you don’t want to give her a ring you aren’t sure you want to marry her. And maybe she is right that you see living together as a trial to see if you are suited and want to consider marriage.
If you aren’t sure, then there is no point moving in together until you are sure you want to be together.
How strongly do you feel about her and the relationship? Do you see yourself committing to her? If so, buy the ring and move in.
If worse comes to worse and things fall apart when you are living together, then the ring purchase will have been in vain. At least with a ring she will know that you love her and want to marry her.
Let me know how it goes.
