Dear sir/madam,
I want to share that my husband used to masturbate before marriage but I came to know about this on our first night, he was doing in front of me also.
In our one year of marriage we never had sex properly because penetration doesn’t occur ( not able to insert penis into vagina properly)
Sometimes he used to say your vagina hole is very tight and sometimes he say it all depends on mood.
We have done only 8 to 9 times sex in this one year and that is done in some special occasions ( like holidays or outings) Now my doubt is that he is taking medicines but he is not admitting it as when penetration occurred after that he used to feel some symptoms like ( Headache, fatigue and body pain ) sometimes fever also .
Actually my major concern is I am not enjoying my sex life because if he tries to do daily his penis doesn’t enter into vagina and he used to do masturbate with his hands and discharge occurs so early.
What to do in this case, please suggest me because I have seen now (may be it’s my thinking only ) that after taking medicines he is not able to penetrate as perviously whenever it occurred ( 8 to 9 times) ,it occurred so fast that no foreplay was required even.
After marriage also he is pulling penis very hard and satisfy himself. From last one year he is doing this only.
I am curious if it is not inserted then how I will get pregnant, i love kids and my whole family is waiting for the good news.
Please note, Dr. Jamie Turndorf personally answers the questions submitted to her advice column!
You are clearly saying that your husband prefers masturbation to intercourse. While he says that you are too tight to penetrate, he is able to penetrate you 8-9 times a year on special occasions. He also says his wish to penetrate depends on his mood. You also seem to be saying that he is taking medicines that prevent him from obtaining an erection. And, you said that after penetration, he experiences headache, fatigue, body pain, and sometimes fever.
Your husband seems to have deep-seated conflict around having sex with a partner. There is such a thing as post-orgasmic illness, in which a person may experience headache, fatigue and fever after having an orgasm, but he doesn’t have this illness when he masturbates. This tells me that his “illness” after sex is the result of his conflicted feelings regarding the sex act. For whatever reason, he doesn’t feel conflict about masturbating. In fact, he seems stuck in an immature form of sexuality (self-pleasing) and you don’t even exist. He is so self-absorbed it doesn’t even occur to him that he is not being a good husband to you!
The excuse that you are too tight to penetrate makes no sense since he’s able to penetrate you when he’s in the mood on special occasions. It’s as if he’s using his penis as a power tool. He withholds his tool from you, except for special occasions.
The bottom line is you are being mistreated and neglected.
There’s an old saying: There are no victims, only volunteers. If you continue to allow this awful situation to continue, then you are volunteering to be mistreated by him.
Your husband needs professional help. He lives in such a narcissistic bubble that I highly doubt he would go for help willingly. He’s happy with business as usual.
The only way this situation is going to change is for you to “strap on a pair” and put your foot down. You have to be willing to tell him that if he doesn’t get help, you are not staying in the marriage.
I got the sense reading your letter that you live in a culture in which women are dependent on men. I also got the sense that you would never consider ending this relationship. I mention this because so long as he senses you are a captive prisoner he will have no incentive to get help and change.
And I think you are going to need to do some self-work to gain the courage to stand up to him.
Until you change, he is unlikely to get help and change.
Regarding having a child with him. Artificial insemination is one way to become pregnant when a spouse is unable to penetrate the vagina. Even ejaculating at the entrance of the vagina could work. But do you really want to become pregnant considering the way the relationship is? Are you willing to live without sex for your entire marriage? Once you have a child, you have far less freedom to remove yourself from the relationship.
I cannot tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes, I’d be working on standing up for myself and demanding more and better from my husband before I’d be thinking about having a baby.
Please let me know how my letter lands with you. And let me know how it goes for you from this point forward.
