Ok here is my situation and it is a doozie. I have been married for a year and a half to a woman I had dated for ten years or so.Before we got married I thought I would have one last fling and I did, but it didn’t end when I got married. About five months into my marriage my mistress got pregnant. Now we have a baby boy.My wife doesn’t know any of this. I have moved out and am prepared to tell her everything. You see my wife and I believe we love each other and are great companions but within the last four years or so our sex life (and other things) weren’t going to well.Why you ask. Because about six years into our relationship we broke up and I dated another woman who was very sexual and who I had a very good physical and emotional bond with. Unfortunately, she didn’t have such a strong bond with me and we broke up.My wife soon thereafter wanted to try our relationship again and I thought I would also. But since then I have realized that there is more out there that makes me happy.And yes you’re right then I shouldn’t have gotten married. I am here now though and need your advice. Should I tell my wife? Should we determine that the relationship is over? should I try and work at things with my mistress to see if our son can have full time parents?Please help.
It’s not my role to tell you what life decisions you should make. What I can do is give you observations about how you come across and also give you an idea on what I believe is the true nature of your problem.What comes through loud and clear to me is that you are a person who likes to gratify himself. While it’s true that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain at all costs, your pleasure seeking is at the expense of other peoples’ needs and feelings.You felt like having one last fling before marriage, so you did. You felt like continuing the fling, but as you said, ‘it didn’t end. ‘ You mean you didn’t choose to end it. You then made your mistress pregnant and soon afterwards you felt like seeing another woman on the side, so you did.It appears that women only serve one function: to please you. You don’t seem interested in committing yourself to one woman and sharing life’ s ups and downs and frustrations with her.Real relationships are often difficult and not always gratifying. That is life and when you love someone you commit to sticking with them, weathering the storms and working together to resolve your issues. Your way of living is a far cry from the ideal.From where I sit, the issue isn’t which woman to choose. The issue is your unwillingness to choose one woman and do the hard work with her. If you decide that you want to grow into a complete human being, then I have lots of tools available on the site to help you do just that.Your first step will be to figure out why self-gratification is your God. I imagine you’ve had some awful role models in your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change.The kind of transformation of which I speak is possible, but first you have must be willing to take yourself to task and demand of yourself that you learn frustration tolerance. Frustration tolerance means that when life and your relationship gets rough you don’t get going you just get busy working on a resolution.The reward is a truly loving and committed relationship that nourishes your soul and elevates you to the kind of person that we all must strive to be: a person who is capable of putting other people’s needs and happiness, and most especially your beloved’s needs and wishes ahead of your own.When you can learn to love in this way, focusing on what you can give to others instead of the pleasure that you can get, you will discover that then and only will you have everything in life.