Dear Dr.After reading your advices to other people I know you can help me. Since the first time I saw this guy and he say hello to me, I fell in love. He spend 3 months to reach me and talk to me, while I was eagerly waiting for him to approach (during those 3 months he sent me a lot of corporal messages and so did I, and I knew he liked me) Then, he spend another 3 months to ask for a date with me, which I accepted of course. All this 6 months I was getting great spectations about him and thinking about him all the time.Everything was ok. until one day I told him, everything about me and my family problems (3 weeks of dating) for him to know me better. He told me he understands my problems and that he will support me anytime I need someone to talk about that. That was the last day we saw each other. After that we talk by phone four or five times, but he was not the same with me, and finally, he stopped any communication with me with no reason. I called him many times and I found out that he did’nt want to talk with me. I could not understand why somebody who seems to be so interested in me, all of a sudden stops the relationship. I though my family problems were not so big to scare him, so then, I could not understand and I fall in depression. After 2 years I still think about him and feel the same about him, but I went over the depression and tried to survive.Here comes second part. I must see him almost everyday and talk to him like nothing happened, that was the most difficult part of getting over my saddness, but I did. Now, after 2 years, he reached me again and ask for a date, 3 months before he tried and rejected, but this second time I fall and again created spectations, and it was worst than first time, because we only dated that day and he answered all my questions about what happened 2 years ago and gave me his reasons, which I suspected.He did not promissed anything, but I thought we were going to have something again, and then, he did the same like 2 years ago. He did not call me or try to date me again. He is always triying to reach me and seem to change his mind at a moment, I feel like waiting to catch a ball that is never thrown!!! I would like to be indifferent to him, and when I think finally I can, suddenly I fall again in obsessive thinking about him. I want to be strong to show him I can get over him and be as cold as he is sometimes with m e. Thanks for everything and I hope you can help me.Obsessed
What a nightmare. You have fallen for a man that seduces and then abandons you. How strong you were to have given him up, and then face him on a daily basis. And, how sadistic of him to appear on your doorstep again.I think you want to understand why you can’t give this man up for good. To understand this, you need to have a little background. Whenever we can’t let go of an issue (it gnaws us for days or weeks) or we can’t let go of a person that we know is hurtful, it means that our minds are stirring up unfinished business from childhood and won’t let go until we have healed our wounds. So, you need to figure out: who this guy represents from your past (and I mean your formative years) and what wound you need to heal. Hint: Who seduced you with promises of love and then dropped you on your head? Was it your mother, your father? It sounds to me like one of your parents repeatedly disappointed you and you have been left with a gaping wound waiting to be healed in adulthood.How does the unconscious mind try to heal early wounds? By finding a lover like that parent who hurt you (setting the stage); next, the mind recreates the early trauma, hoping to rewrite the script with a new ending. In your case, you are drawn to someone like the abandoner of your past, and keep hoping that this time he will stick around. Your wish to correct the wound of childhood explains why you can’t seem to give this man up. Giving him up would feel like giving up the hope of ever healing the early wound that I spoke of.But, there is hope for healing. First, you must understanding who the person you are obsessed with represents from your past. Next, I suggest you join a therapy group. There, you will attach to people who love you and stick around. This experience will heal your wound and actually help you let this man go. And, step 3: After experiencing love in the group, you will have learned how to attach to someone who isn’t like your abandoning parent, someone who can love you and stick by you. Thank you for your sensitive question. You sound lovely and I want you to find a love that sticks and helps you to heal the disappointments of your early life. Let me know how you do.
