Dr. Love:I have been plagued with shyness for my entire life. Fortunately I normally had friends who could introduce me to girls, and then it becomes much easier for me. But now that I am home for several months until I begin law school, I am doomed. My friends here never speak to girls, so pretty much my only option is to meet girls in bars, and I know I would be too afraid to ever do that. I have already lost a lot of respect from female friends I have because I told them that I would be too afraid to approach girls in bars.My female friends say that girls admire guys who have the guts to approach them. Well, I am not being admired, that is for sure. I have heard all that meet girls in a library or grocery store, but I would find it much easier to talk to a girl in a bar. At least I will have beer in me, and at least they are expecting it. Any other location would make it even more difficult for me.Is there anything I can do besides drinking 10 beers to make it easier? I have no fear when I drink a lot, except of just making a fool of myself, which I am sure I would do, so that as why I won’t approach them. Also, the fact that 95% of all girls who go to bars go there with guys. Do you know how one becomes a priest? I think that is what I was meant to be. Thanks.notlikingtobeshy
Just because you feel to shy to jump in with girls doesn’t mean you need to jump into a cassock. Slow down. Many men and women are painfully shy. You aren’t alone. These feelings are normal. The only problem here is that the fear is immobilizing you so that you don’t feel free to act (make a move with girls).First you need to understand why you are afraid, then you need to strengthen your ability to act in spite of the fear.First of all search my Advice Archives, in which I speak extensively about this problem. Search the key words, shy, fear of rejection, low self-esteem, scared to make the first move, and in love with a co-worker.In order to resolve this issue, you need to figure out is what is your reason for being afraid. Most likely, fear of rejection is what terrifies you. Now, ask yourself, what is the worst that will happen if I ask and am told no. I won’t die. I will feel sad, but I can’t feel worse than I feel right now. You already feel rejected and a failure.You can also do a rehearsal for action by visualizing yourself asking girls out and their saying no. During these Dr. runs, allow yourself to experience the feelings associated with a no. In doing so, you can desensitize yourself and when you receive a no, it won’t be so devastating.You can also program yourself to feel triumphant for having asked a girl out, even if she says no. If your goal is to make your move, not to succeed with the woman, then, you are a winner whether she says yes or no. You will be a winner for having tried. Remember, the only people who fail are those who don’t try. And, trying makes you a winner.Another trick. Meet girls who share your common interests. Try clubs or social groups. Focus on making friends first, then, watch for signs that the girl is interested in more. I call these signs, green lights, and most men wait for green lights before making their moves (smiles, eye contact, etc.). All men wait for these signs, because they are just as frightened as you are! When you wait to make your move until you have receive green lights, your chance of rejection is minimized.So, my advice to you. rehearse for cction, reprogram your mind, seek out friendships, and wait for green lights.Lot’s of luck. You sound adorable. Please don’t enter the priesthood in order to escape this difficult life challenge, which you can master.Let me know how you make out and I do mean make out.