Dear Love Doctor,My name is Ryan I am a college student, I have a question about sex really. When my girlfriend and I try to have sex, I sometime don’t get hard, and sometime do. When I do get hard I tend to come very fast, like with in 2 minutes. Is their some way I can get hard more often and keep from coming so fast.
Let’s break the question into two parts. The not getting hard as often as you want is most likely due to performance anxiety, which is the result of your putting pressure on yourself to get hard–a sure fire formula for staying limp. Whenever a person is stressed out or upset, the body switches into the sympathetic mode, the adrenal glands pump and chemicals are released which cause blood vessels to constrict. When vessels constrict, the blood can’t flow into the penis. Result: a penis that is limper than spaghetti.If you study when you do get hard, you will probably find that you aren’t pressuring yourself as much, and, in such cases, an erection occurs. In other words, your plumbing works fine, when your head doesn’t get your little head down.So, leave your poor self in peace. Talk to yourself and say,’If I get hard fine, if I don’t fine.’ And, believe the words you say to yourself. Keep in mind that sex isn’t only about penetration. Focus more on sensuality, foreplay, touching, connecting. When you remind yourself again and again what lovemaking is supposed to be about, loving, connecting, etc., you will naturally take the pressure off your penis.Now, as for the rapid ejaculation question, most young men come very quickly until they learn to recognize their ‘premonitory sensations’ that is the sensations that occur just before you come. When you recognize the feelings just before the point of no return, you can learn how to delay orgasm.Here’s how you can learn. When you are masturbating alone or with your girl, practice the Stop-Start technique. Masturbate to the point just before the point of no return, then stop, until your sensations settle down. Then, start again, stopping, again when you reach that point before no return. Keep repeating this process. At first you will not do too well. But, with practice, you will become a super hero in the delayed coming department.After you have the technique down cold, you can extend it to intercourse. Remember, not to put pressure on yourself with this exercise. Make it fun, not a competition or an occasion in which to pressure yourself more.So, the hard and fast (not so fast) rule for you is: Chill out and stop and start.