Needy

I think there is more to this story than meets the eye. If it is true that your husband’s doctor suspects that a medical condition (such as diabetes, high blood pressure, stress or depression) is causing his erectile dysfunction, then why isn’t the doctor treating that condition?If it is true that the erectile dysfunction is a symptom of an underlying medical condition, then giving him Viagra is like giving an aspirin to someone with a brain tumor. The doctor needs to identify the medical condition and treat it. The use of Viagra in such a case is merely treating a symptom.I can’t tell whether your husband’s doctor is off-base or whether your husband is misreporting what the doctor has told him. In any case, it doesn’t sound to me as though your husband is too eager to get to the bottom of his erectile dysfunction. If he wanted to have sex, I would think that he would be moving heaven and earth to find out what, if any, medical condition is causing his problem and then try to solve it.I would also think that he would be seeing a urologist who specializes in erectile dysfunction. But, your husband doesn’t seem to be getting on top of the problem. What’s more, he resists taking the Viagra, because he doesn’t like the side effects. Instead of going back to the doctor and pursuing other possible solutions, he simply blows off the sex with you saying,’Sorry, I hate the Viagra side effects, so you are SOL, honey.’His passive acceptance of his problem is what is making me suspicious. He doesn’t sound distressed about the lack of erections. In fact, he sounds quite accepting, as though the lack of sex is meeting his needs on some level.What need could he be satisfying by not having sex with you? The first thought that comes to my mind is that your husband has a passive aggressive personality disorder, which means that he expresses anger by withholding what you want. It’s clear that you want sex, and it sure is clear that he doesn’t seem to want it. I have to wonder if he is getting his rocks off by not getting his rocks off with you.The only way to deal with this problem is to confront him directly by telling him that you have the impression that he is quite satisfied to not have sex. Then you might ask how he wants you to feel about it. You will need to point out that his behavior lands as hostile and withholding and that he needs to tell you in a more direct way what he is angry with you about.I would view his penis as a messenger of marital problems that he isn’t discussing. As I see it, his penis is doing all the talking for him. Once his anger is communicated in words, his penis can stop doubling as his mouthpiece.