I believe my girlfriend of 2 years may have severe narcissistic traits or may have NPD. Unrelated to the suspicions of her having NPD. It is very difficult for her to have an orgasim…takes forever if she can at all…..the other night we were making love for a while, at least an hour if not longer. I had an orgasim and she stands up and says to me. You were just a couple of pumps away from making me orgasim. I replied, really?!?!..damn, so close but so far. To which she replies, closer than anyone else……this bothered me and a little while later no more than a couple hours later, I brought up what she had said by saying, Something that was said earlier is really bothering me and I would like to talk about it. She asks me what it was and I tell her what she said and she immediately tells me that is not what was said or even when it was said tells me I can’t remember things properly because I don’t pay attention, have a terrible memory that there must be something wrong with me because what she tried to tell me was said was….she wants to be closer to me than anyone else and we were still making love when she said it according to her…..I stood my ground and went moment by moment what was said, when it was said and what was happening or had happened as it was said…again I am told how flawed me and my memory are etc etc….I then say that what bothers me about her saying closer than anyone else implies there are other people and I am just the closest one to making her orgasim and then I point out the fact of she didn’t say closer than anyone else has been or even closer than anyone I’ve been with in the past……she then gets very very angry starts talking down to me, calling me names, and telling me she’s just wasting her breath, love, spirit, so on and so forth on and with me…tells me to look up on google what closer than anyone else means in a relationship then storms out of the room vanishes to wherever she vanishes to (this kind of thing happens regularly about varying topics…almost daily) shows back up 10-15 minutes later acts like nothing happened, looks at me and says, I love you so very much. You could never know how much I love you. Then proceeds to ignore me the rest of the night until she goes to sleep hugging her cat and a pillow.
Am I wrong for thinking her comment implies there are other people, is that what it implies and why do these type of situations happen constantly almost daily about almost anything I say.
I would just like to add that what she says about me, how I don’t pay attention , can’t remember things properly, have a terrible memory, are all false. She calls me names on a daily basis..stupid, dumb, says I’m nothing but a B***h, tries to insult me or me being a man however she can. I need to man up, I cry about everything, she gets physical as well, hitting, punching,kicking, she has tried to dig her fingers into my eyes more than once, and has even caused nerve damage in my left hand that has left my pinky finger numb which has severely limited my guitar playing. I’ve been playing guitar for 27 years roughly….now I can’t play a lot of what I used to be able to play….and I have not once raised my hand back at her…I have wanted to so very badly, I’m just thankful that I am the man that I am and made a vow to myself long ago that I would never raise my hand to a woman in anger. My father was lifetime network movie abusive or worse toward my mother, my older sister and brother af myself. Physically, sexually and emotionally. But going what I went through showed me how not to be toward people and in my relationships. I have many scars, can’t and won’t deny that. But I made peace with what I went through long ago and let go of the negative emotions i carried that weighed me down so heavily and was able to forgive my father and was able to tell him that I forgave him a couple years before he died. My older brother died at 25 and took his last breath in my arms I was 19 almost 20 at the time, my father died in 2013 I think it was…my mother died in 2017…my older sister doesn’t speak to most of the family and my younger brother has spent more time incarcerated in jail and prison more than he has a free individual and I have no contact with him either….it’s been one heck of a ride thus far but I will ride this out till the wheels fall off. My apologies that this was so long and I thank you for taking the time to read it. I appreciate you and what you do and have done for many many people. I will keep you up to date on how things go after reading your book(s).
Wow. Talk about not understanding each other!
The way I hear this conflict is that you interpreted her remark “closer than anyone else” as meaning that she is currently sleeping with other people.
I heard the statement as meaning no other man has ever come this close to helping her to orgasm.
You jumped to the conclusion that you did. And you missed an important step: To check out your interpretation rather than assuming your interpretation is correct.
I believe that she felt deeply misunderstood by you. She was actually complimenting you and telling you how much more she responds to you than any other previous partner. When you didn’t understand what she meant, her feelings got hurt. Her hurt morphed into anger and then she lashed out at you. She didn’t do a good job of communicating her thoughts and feelings using my X, Y Formula, which consists of calmly stating what was said or done and how one feels and why.
The way you presented the problem makes me think that you are blameless in these conflicts and that she’s the crazy one. Of course, because she becomes so angry, her lashing out reinforces your belief that the problems are all her. When, in fact, I am sure that the fights you are having come from your also misunderstanding what she says.
You desperately need to read my first Hay House book, Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. That book should be your relationship bible. The book outlines everything you need to have a working relationship. First off, I explain that all relationship fighting triggers the fight-flight response. When we feel blamed by the other, the fight-flight response is kicked into high gear. In fight-flight, we defend, justify ourselves, make excuses, and fall into all kinds of what I call Fight Traps, which are the faulty fighting tactics we learned from our first families. Fight Traps fall into what I call Open and Secret warfare, like name calling, character assassination, counter-blaming, recruiting allies, sarcasm, silent treatment, paybacks, etc.. Fight traps cause more fight-flight reactions and a vicious cycle of chemical imbalance and more fighting.
The book also shows you how to train your brain to fight for not against you by checking out your interpretation of what the others says. You missed this step entirely.
And the book shows you how to apply First Aid to use listening to cool down a conversation before it cycles out of control.
Bottom line, most fights can be aborted through properly listening and understanding the other. Listening is sorely missing in your relationship.
Here’s an example of how you both should have handled the conflict you described. When I outline what you should have both said, you will see just how far off the ideal mark you both were.
Let’s start with her comment, “Closer than anyone else.”
You should have said, “I want to make sure that I don’t misunderstand what you mean. I am thinking you’re saying that I am doing better than other men you are currently with. Am I wrong?”
She could then say you are definitely wrong. She is only with you.
Let’s say that her feelings were already hurt by your assuming she was sleeping with others. (Note the two of you don’t talk about what you both expect of each other and whether mutual fidelity is where you’re at, showing you don’t talk to each other the way you need to.)
So let’s say she starts to get worked up and begins to yell at you.
First Aid time for you. You would say, “I see you’re getting very angry. I assume that my misunderstanding hurt your feelings. Am I right?”
Then she would say yes you did hurt her feelings.
Then you might go further in understanding her by saying, “I think your feelings were hurt because you were thinking that I was accusing you of being unfaithful to me. Is that it?”
The idea is to help the other person to tell you more about why she feels hurt. It is your job to listen non-defensively, repeat back what she says to show you understand her. When listening it’s all about the speaker’s feelings at that moment. If you need to have your feelings understood, you must first finish helping the speaker feel settled.
I have given a brief overview of how couples who are successful work with each other.
You both need to read the book and put the steps in place. If you don’t, you won’t make it. Believe me, this isn’t all her problem. No, I’m not saying that she behaves properly when she feelings triggered, but you are not realizing what you are saying and doing to trigger. You are equally responsible for the fights you’re having.
Read Kiss Your Fights Goodbye now, put the steps in place and save your relationship now. If you break-up, I promise you will be in this same fix with your next partner unless you follow my instructions and get the steps in Kiss Your Fights Goodbye in your bones!
Let me know how you make out.