Hello – I just discovered completely by accident today while I was cleaning out the house that my wife has made a purchase in the multiple thousands of a designer purse. My wife never mentioned this but had hidden the purse away in a cabinet where I wouldn’t think to look for. We keep separate bank accounts but I’m not sure how to think of this. I think it’s the fact that the Chanel bag was hidden away that bothers me the most. Trying to understand how to talk to her about this and the right time since we just had a child. Maybe I am over reading this but I don’t like feeling like the fact that she actually made the effort to hide the handbag indicates a lack of trust. What should I do?
First off, you said you keep separate accounts. Do you both have an understanding about how purchases and acquisitions are handled? Do you both pay specific bills from your respective accounts? Do you have an agreement that you both will discuss purchases over a certain amount? Do you both run your separate accounts individually? And, after the bills are paid, it’s every man and woman for him/herself?
That she hid the bag says that she knows she did something “wrong”.
The hiding of the bag can mean many things. Lack of trust is your idea. Maybe she feels guilty and ashamed of her self-indulgence. Does she have a habit of binge spending? Is she a spendaholic? There is so much you don’t know!
The only way you will know is to talk with her.
The conversation, if handled well, can open the door to a clearer understanding of how you both handle and wish to handle your expenditures.
I don’t think you will be comfortable until you gain more clarity on why she did what she did.
To discuss this, you could preface by saying, “I have something I want to discuss, is now a good time.”
If she says yes, you could say, “The purpose of what I want to discuss is not to blame you. I just want to understand you better.”
Then you can tell her that you happened to notice the expenditure and wondered why she hid the purchase from you. Did she think you’d be angry with her?
Then lean back and see how the discussion goes.
If you are OK with her having spent this amount of money on the bag, you could say this as well. And you might also add that for you the issue isn’t the money but the fact that the purchase was kept a secret. You are worried that she doesn’t trust you not to be angry with her.
The conversation can then naturally evolve into further discussions on how you would like big expenditures to be handled and ask her for input on how she would like to do things so that she feels comfortable with you and doesn’t feel she has to hide.
Let me know how this all works out.
