Dr. Love,I really need your advice regarding a situation I got myself into last week. I threw a party at my house and the man I am seeing (he is married) was suppose to be there. When he didn’t show up, his friends decided to try and ‘hit’ on me the entire evening. One of his friends and co-worker (I thought he no longer worked with him), came up into my room during the party. I sneaked up to bed approx. an hour prior to this happening, because I was really tired. He walked into my room and stood by my bed. I was asleep at the time, and then he decided to crawl into my bed with me!! He held me down, after I told him no over and over again. Finally, I gave in.The music was playing loud downstairs, and he is very muscular. During sex, I stopped and told him to just leave me alone. I could have left the room, but fell asleep immediatley. He kept rubbing on me until I got upset and left the room and ran downstairs. Everyone was gone, so I hid in the bathroom until he left my house. So I can understand why he is upset, but why is he making such a big deal out of it. Especially since we have no committment and he is married.My roommate works at a job next door and talked to him a week later for 1. 5 hours, regarding this incident. He told me that this guy is really hurt. How do I deal with this? I want him back in my life, but I get the feeling by the tone in his voice, that things will never be the same between us. He still calls me, but it is just no the same. I am thinking of going on with my life and exiting his. If he cares about me, and can forgive me, then he will come back.But tell me this. . . . Why can he go home to his wife, and when something like this happens to me, he is hurt. And what can I do to ease his pain and mine? I am dating other men (platonic) but it just isn’t helping much. I miss him more than words can say!!! Please help!!! Thank you, Dr. Love!!!
You say you want your lover back and you want to deal with the hurt that both of you are feeling. O. K. if you really want him back and you want to help him overcome the hurt, you need to call him and tell him, ‘I have the sense that you feel that I have betrayed you. ‘ Understand that we are not admitting you did betray him. All we are doing is giving him room to talk about how he feels. This should help him come around.I am more concerned about you. You are with a married man who cheats on you every night by sleeping with his wife. Why are you so willing to accept the leftovers? If I can help you understand why you are in this triangle, in love with someone who cannot give to you 100%, then I will be helping you to heal the hurt (which is what you asked me to do). Whenever a woman (or man) is drawn to a lover that is married, we need to ask the question: how is this situation replaying a piece of my early history. When you are in love with a married man, the experience is one of deprivation, not receiving equal treatment, feeling second classed. So, you need to ask yourself how these feelings relate to your history. Did you feel neglected by your dad. Were you abandoned?If I had to guess I would say that you felt unloved by one of your parents ( probably your dad) and you secretly dreamed that you could win his heart. By choosing a married man as a lover, your unconscious may be hoping to rewrite your painful history with a happier ending. If I can win the heart of my lover, I will unconsciously feel that I won my dad’s love. The fact that you feel so desperate without your lover further makes me think that you are so upset because your unconscious mind sees a dream for healing fading away. If this man leaves, how can you ever feel like you won your elusive father ‘s love.So, I told you how to help him overcome his hurt and win him back. But, you need to really examine if having him back is going to heal you or simply recreate the feelings of deprivation that you had in your first family. I wish you strength to address this issue and the courage to move on, if necessary.