Dear Dr. LoveI’ve been marrried to my wife for a year and a half. Recently I found out that I’m attracted to one of her co-workers. She’s relly beautiful and nice. I can’t stop tthinking about her, I have fantasies about being with her, even when I have sex with my wife I imagine myself having sex with that woman. When I meet her, on a party or somewhere else, i can’t stop looking at her. I am afraid that now I’m thinking of her more than of my wife.On the other side I realise that there is no chance that I can get any responce from my attraction, first because I’m trying hard not to show my attraction, and second, she doesn’t seem to care about me at all. I don’t know if it’s for better or for worse, robably it’s for better, because I’m afraid that if she showed any attraction to me, then it could destroy my marriage. (Sometimes I have those bad thoughts-‘I wish she were my wife’) I know it’s sounds strange and crazy, but I can’t do anything about it. The worst thing is that I feel bad because of that, often i feel irritated and angry, feel bad because of that. I wonder if you can give me any advise on dealing with this unexpected and unwanted attraction.Married man, attracted to another woman.
You seem to think that your thoughts and feelings are’bad. ‘ You need to know that it is normal for a married person to feel sexual attraction for others. Just because you are married doesn’t mean that you are blind to another woman’s charms (or dead from the waist down except when you’re with your spouse). Every thought, feeling and fantasy is fine, so long as you are clear on the difference between feeling and acting. Are here is where I think your problem arises.It sounds to me as though you don’t separate your feelings from your actions. (You said you would act on your desires if this other woman gave you the green light. ) It sounds like you aren’t sure that you can control your behavior. I have the impression that the only reason you haven’t cheated is because this woman hasn’t noticed you. But, what happens if a woman that you’re attracted to notices your interest and gives you the green light? Sooner or later this will happen, and before it does, you need to be clear in your mind about the distinction between feeling and acting. Also, another point. I am wondering if you are experiencing marital dissatisfaction. It is true that even happily married men and women feel attracted to other people, but, they usually don’t feel the overwhelming urge to act on their desires.Sometimes, the urge to act is due to what I spoke about above, not being able to separate feeling from doing. In other cases, the urge to act indicates marital trouble. That is, a person may dream of being with others because something isn’t clicking in the marriage. I suggest you do some soul searching and find out if this is the case for you. You might explore whether this other woman possesses real ( or imagined) qualities that you wish your wife possessed. After you soul-search, you will be able to identify whether your urge to cheat is a sign that the marriage is in trouble. In which case, you can begin to improve your relationship with your wife. If your soul-searching indicates that the marriage is all right, then we know that you simply need to work on separating feelings and actions. Good luck.
