Dr. Love, I am a w/m/36, in the military for 15 years, married for 13. For maybe the last 5 years my wife and I have been drawing farther and farther apart.Recently, I discovered that she has fallen in love with a cyber friend, one who she has never met. She and I went to see a marriage counselor and during the course of the first three sessions, she committed to trying to save our relationship.The counselor has decided the best course of action is to see her only. I feel that I am lost. I have no clue where to turn. I am trying to do and show all the love I can for this woman because after much soul searching I realize that she means everything to me.She doesn’t talk to me about what she is feeling. I am afraid to touch her, for fear she doesn’t want that from me. I have no idea if her counseling is helping or if we are prolonging the inevitable.My question is, how can I help? Vague question, I know, considering I have not related all the circumstances.
I can see why you are at a loss. Couples sessions have been aborted, meanwhile, she is in individual therapy, which pretty much takes you out of the communication loop.The couples therapist must have gotten the sense that she wasn’t ready to invest in making the marriage work, hence the decision to have her work one-on-one to determine what she wants. Meanwhile you are left to wonder. You must be hurt, angry and frustrated.Here’s what I would do. I would tell her that when a person cheats on her partner, she is conveying angry feelings. The problem is that when angry feelings are put into action (in this case, cheating), those actions break the relationship. Tell her that she needs to put her feelings into words and to tell you directly what you have said or done that makes her so mad at you.When she talks, you need to listen and understand. Read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) which contains an entire chapter on how to listen. She must feel that you truly hear when she tells you what you are doing or saying that isn’t working for her.Feeling heard and understood by you is the first step toward healing the marriage. Then you will need to move on to resolving the issues that she raises. There are specific steps to follow in order to resolve these issues.My book shows you how to do just that. If she refuses to talk to you, then you will need to tell her that she is abusing you. Cheating on you right under your nose and not actively working to restore the relationship is mistreatment. She needs to poop or get off the pot.Either end her affair, and work with you, or end it with you and live happily ever after with her computer crush. This limbo land is not acceptable. If she wants a relationship with you, then you both need to be in couples therapy. That is the place to work on a relationship, not individual therapy.If she refuses to do couples therapy, then she is actually telling you, no, I won’t commit to this relationship. If she says that she needs some time to decide whether or not she can reinvest in the relationship, she should be having these dialogues with you.You deserve to know what her hesitation is about. Why she doesn’t want to be with you. Doing this on her own cuts you out of the loop and isn’t relational. You need to be involved and informed as to what is going on inside her head since it directly concerns you.If she refuses to do couples therapy, I would ask how she expects you to wait while she decides if she wants to work on the relationship?You need an end date so you aren’t left hanging.This is a tough spot to be in. It’s fine if she wants to find herself, but you can’t be lost in the process. You are the other half of this couple, and she needs to be in communication with you. Talking to her therapist is no substitute for talking with you.
