Hello Dr. Love. I have been married for 8 years. My wife and I have an four year old son.Three years ago, We found out my wife has AIDS. Luckily my son and I did not get infected. My wife is reacting well to the Protease Inhibitors but our marriage seems to be stressed out. Besides the AIDS, our son is VERY active.Although I understand the ways to protect against AIDS when having sex, my desire for sex is about nil. My wife is upset thinking I don’t care and it upsets her that I’m not attracted anymore. We seem to be in a vicious cycle of her nagging and me withdrawing.Any suggestions to help our marriage and family?
Finding out that your wife has AIDS is perhaps one of the toughest challenges that each of you as individuals will be asked to face in this life. It is also a challenge for you as a couple.I talk about the cycle that you are locked in in my new book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). It is called the demand/withdraw negative escalation cycle and it is the number one cause of marital conflict, divorce and domestic violence.So we must break this cycle. Do buy my book today, since I can’t possible impart all the information that ‘s contained in this book in one short answer. That being said, I will tell you that both of you need to begin talking instead of acting on your feelings. What do I mean?I think that a lot of feelings have been aroused in both of you, and neither of you are actually talking about them. Take your wife. She must feel terribly undesirable and defective.So when you don’t want sex with her, she feels even worse about herself, hurt and then angry. Instead of telling you how she feels, using the steps I outline in the book, she acts them out by ragging on you, chasing you and nagging.You have your own feelings. I am sure that you are furious at her and feeling guilty about your feelings (how can you be mad at someone who is sick?) But you are mad at her, I’m sure. For threatening your health, and making you have to confront this nightmare. Plus, you must feel frightened of becoming ill if you have contact with her.So rather than openly discuss your feelings, you express your anger and fear by hanging back and avoiding sex. Both of you must begin to honestly talk, listen and understand each other. My book will show you how to break this cycle of conflict and achieve a resolution. After you both read the book, contact me again to let me know how you are making out. I know that it will help.Have courage and strength. My heart goes out to you both.