I have been dating, and loving my first girlfriend after almost 25 years. She has been married but was separated then divorced while we were dating.The problem I have is the continuing relationship she has with her ex. . . they are partners inthe same business. So they obviously have contact there. . they also had a son with retardation. She has been delegated the responsible person for the son’s care. . the ex was absent from the boys life(she has 4 altogether) growing up, but as they matured, each son has assumed a position within the business. . . even the exceptional son.As our life together has progressed, she has discussed with me the fact that her ex is her ‘best friend’and that she wished he would find someone to care for him in his old age.Welllll, guess what? It happened! and my girlfriend is absolutely devastated! Crushed! She has mourned the fact that her ex has a live girlfriend for almost three months. Now she and the live in are talking. . and my grlfriend has been invited to live with her ex and his live in. . . whew what a mess. . . I have this feeling, for lack of a better word, that my girl is headed back to her ex. . . is it my jealousy that is causing theproblem? She tells me how she doesnt eliminate anything from the possibilities that time may allow and that she lives a day at a time. .I am as blind as I sound? Am I the only one showing some commitment here? any help would be apprecited. . . .My girlfriend says I am possessive, and jealous for the time and effort that she puts into the realtionship she has with her ex. . . Jeez she even spent the nite at his house while his girl friend was gone. . . and told me that nothing happened. . they just talked all night. . . Am I stupid or what?
You aren’t stupid. You are living in denial. It is obvious that your girlfriend still loves her ex. . She wants to live one day at a time, free of commitment, so that she can be ready to jump back into his arms at a moment’s notice.Why don’t you want to see this? You aren’t stupid, you simply don’t want to suffer the pain that you would have to feel if you were to face this issue head on. It would be good, however, for you to begin feeling the pain in little increments, so that you don’t feel knocked over by a freight train when she finally returns to him.Meanwhile, the bigger question is why you allow yourself to be involved with someone who clearly doesn’t return your affection. When a person finds himself in such a situation, 99 percent of the time he is recreating a similar childhood relationship.If, for example, you were raised by a parent who didn’t return your love, then that relationship primed you to fall for a woman who would do the same to you. We recreate the familiar because it’s all that we know (humans are creatures of habit, including painful habits). We also recreate in order to achieve a happy ending to the original trauma (this time around your lover will return your love the way your parent didn’t, and you will feel healed).This ain’t happening, as you can see, since the deck is stacked against you. She is in love with another, plain and simple. So, you are headed for heartache all right, sooner or later.Please read my Advice Archives under unfinished business and repetition compulsion to understand why you have chosen to stay with a woman who isn’t loving you back.You would do well to enter therapy and begin to heal the wound once and for all. That should free you up for a more complete love relationship, one in which you have a real shot at healing the wound you suffered as a kid.
