Dear, Dr. LoveI’m in desperate need of your help. I’m in love with my best freind. She’ the greatest person in the world in my eyes. But I messed up.I was at a party with her and some friends and I kissed another girl. She was mad even though we are not dating. I love her so much and I told her that. Now she feels that she can’t trust me. I’ve always loved her and I’m just now getting a chance with her in the past 5 years.I’ve dated other people but never felt the love for them as I do for her. I feel so empty when I’m not with her. The bad thing is that I’m away at college and don’t get to she as much as I would like. I miss her and she knows that. I don’t know how I can convince her that she can trust me.Honestly I’ve never hooked up with someone at a party like that. I havn’t even thought about another girl since I’ve been to school. I know she is the girl for me and I would do anything to have her.Please help me. We were made for each other. I’m also scared to make the first move even though I know she feels the s ame way about me. I don’t want to mess things up, being friends and all. Best friends at that. I feel so sick not being with her.What do I do to let her know that she can trust me?How do I get over the fear of making the first move when I know she has feelings for me also?Dr. Love you don’t know what it would mean to me if you helped me out.
I think you and your friend are both suffering from fear of rejection. She is afraid to become involved with you for fear that you will leave her for someone else, and you are afraid to make a move on her for fear that she will reject your advances. I will discuss how to overcome this problem later. Let’s start with your first question, how to help her build trust in you.It sounds like your friend is afraid that you would cheat on her with another person. Her fear was apparently sparked by your kissing someone else in front of her. I would start by talking with her about her feelings. Get her to spell out her every fear. You said that she was mad when you kissed the other girl. Get her to tell you this. Did she also feel betrayed by you? Is she afraid you won’t be faithful to her? Let her tell you everything that is in her heart. Listen, and show that you understand by reflecting back what she says to you. And after you reflect back what you have heard, ask her if you have understood her properly. Just making that effort will help her build trust in you.When she is finished talking, ask her if she wants to know how you feel. If she says, O.K., communicate what you told me about how you feel about her. Pour your heart out to her, but don’t pressure her to become involved or trust you. Tell her that you just want to understand her feelings and know yours, but remind her that you aren’t pushing her for more involvement than she can stand. Taking the pressure off her is crucial to helping her resolve the fear of trust. If she feels pushed, her anxiety to become involved will never diminish.You might also tell her that it’s normal for young people to play the field. Testing the dating waters is what helps a person recognize Mr. or Ms. Right when he meets him or her. Without this previous experience, there are always fears and doubts–could there be a better person for me out there. You are living proof of this fact. You have dated others, and because of this experience you can say with conviction that she is better for you than the other people. Explain this to her.In answer to your final question, how can you overcome your fear of making the first move. You need to consult my Advice Archives. Search under: shy, scared to make the first move, and fear of rejection. These articles will help you resolve this problem.Lots of luck. You sound wonderful, and she will be lucky to have you. Let me know what happens.
