Dr Love,I have been seeing a Canadian for 3 years whom I love with all my heart. He says he is in love with me also. But he says he’s also in love with the mother of his children who he has lived with for 12 years. When hes in the U.S., he is with me, when he is in Canada, he is with her. He wants me to marry him so that he can get his Visa to live here permanently. She does not think he and I are seeing each other but that we are only friends and that I would only marry him out of friendship.Just today I told him I cannot marry him for the wrong reasons. He hung up on me and said he was going to go back to Canada and stay there and was absolutely furious with me!! This is the first man I have ever truely been in love with. I am 37 and he is 40…I am not getting any younger but this seems to me like he’s having his cake and eating it too!! Should I try to pursue this issue or just let it go? I dont know what to do!! Thanks for taking time to read my letter.
You said that it seems that he’s having his cake and eating it too. Not only does it seem that way, it is that way. And, not only is he eating his cake, he’s eating your heart out. This man sounds like a spoiled brat–throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. The nerve of you not jumping at his marriage offer!!!Does it worry you to be involved with a man that lies? He lies to his wife by pretending that you are only friends. If he lies to her, then he lies to you. Has this crossed your mind?My answer to you is a series of questions that you would wise to ask yourself. Here goes: Why are you willing to share a man with another woman? Why would you want a man that isn’t available to be yours? Why would you allow a liar into your life? How does your relationship with this man relate to your history (search my Advice Archives under repetition compulsion and unfinished business for more insight on this question).Whenever we choose to love a person that isn’t available, lies or cheats on us, most of the time we are unconsciously recreating a wound from childhood–hoping to achieve a happy ending. To simplify, if our parent was unavailable, we will choose an unavailable lover and then try to win his love. Hoping that if we can succeed with our lover, then the wound of childhood will be healed.Unfortunately, we rarely achieve our desired happy ending because, the lovers we choose our as damaged as the parents that let us down. They can’t give more than our parents did. So, we end up stuck chasing our own emotional tails and chasing rainbows. Are you chasing a rainbow with this man?It isn’t my place to tell you what to do. All I can do is to help you ask the right questions so that you better understand yourself and your motivations. When you are clearer, then you can make a healthy decision for yourself.