My question deals with conflict and hard times in a marriage. My wife and I have been married for 2 years now, and dated for 4 years. We have a 2 year old son together, and life was pretty well, until this past year that is!This past year, we have been through more heartache and disaster in our lives, then most people go through there whole lives! In Febuary of last year, we had a baby girl, who died just hours before deivery. It was the worst nightmare we could have ever been through. In June of last year, I lost my father suddenly, whom I was very close too, and lastly, my job, that I have held for 10 years, was eliminated in September!My wife and I are going through some very rough times dealing with all of this, at the same time. I know they say that, adversity brings you closer together, but I think that too much at the same time, can rip a relationship to pieces also!I guess my question is, how can we overcome all of this, and still have a happy relationship? Right now, we live apart for the time being, because when we were together, we were both so unhappy with ourselves, that it was unbearabe to be together!I would be very greatful for any advice you could give me. I miss our lives together greatly!
I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through this last year. Losing the relationship is surely the last straw.You said that you and your wife were so unhappy with yourselves that it was unbearable to be together. Actually, my take on the situation is a bit different. I think that you both were so enraged over what happened, and your rage was misdirected (displaced) onto each other. Eventually, the relationship deteriorated. At the same time, you were both probably so depleted from your losses that you had no energy left to nurture the relationship.At this point, I think that you both need to talk to a therapist, or join a support group. Doing so will help you both find a healthy outlet for all the emotional poison that’s inside you both. And, when this happens, you won’t feel so emotionally burdened, which will lessen the likelihood of your dumping on each other. At the same time, you will be less miserable with yourselves and more available for the relationship.Then, you can begin to see each other again. And, when you do visit together, try to stay in the moment and not hark back to past events and wallow in misery. Save those discussions for the therapy sessions. When you are together, have fun, enjoy each other and try to get on with your lives.If she and/or you feel the need to discuss the past when you are together, do so in a controlled way. Set a time, separate and apart from your fun get togethers. Have your talk, then put the issues aside and move on, until your next scheduled talk.I hope and pray that the plan I outlined, combined with the support group will bring you both peace in the new year.
