Dr. Love, I sometimes fantasize about my girlfriend having sex with other men. These are men that conform to some ideal of perfection. Muscular, well-endowed etc.I mistakenly told her about this once and now she can’t move past it. She thinks that I am deranged and need help. This has led to a bit of performance anxiety on my part, further adding to my woesI need to resolve all of this. Alot of this I’m sure has to do with her particular uprbringing. She was raised in a strict Catholic household, dated a guy who was Assembly of God worshipper, etc, so I don’t think that she has any experience with alternate sexual thinking.I myself believe that fantasies are important. It’s not as if I’m fantasizing about myself with another woman. I wish that she would at least take comfort in that fact.I am extremely attracted to her. She also seems to think that I might be gay. I argue that in no way I am. I obviously need some help. I don’t think that the answer lies in me brainwashing myself? Help.
Dear ‘Man Who Fantasizes About His Girlfriend Having Sex With Other Hunks’:I don’t think you need to brainwash yourself at all. You have learned, unfortunately the hard way–no pun intended– that some things are better left unsaid. Given that your girlfriend is a bit conservative, I guess you will need to keep your fantasies to yourself. And, don’t think that you are lying to her by not telling all.It is a fallacy to believe that we must say everything to our partners. We should only say what we know will be helpful and constructive. The rest should be saved for your therapist or priest. Come to think of it, I’m not sure that such a fantasy would go over well with your priest, so stick to your therapist, Dr. Love.You ask for help from me. I know that you don’t want to exorcise the thought, which would be like brainwashing yourself. So what can be done to improve the situation with your girlfriend?What we need to do is to help her resolve her feelings of distress. The fact that she isn’t as free as you are to allow herself all kinds of fantasies will make it hard to settle her down. For this reason, you will probably not be successful in convincing her that all kinds of fantasies are fine and normal.You can try telling her that according to the Kinsey Institute on Sex, the majority of people fantasize about all kinds of wild things. However, most people say that they wouldn’t wish to enact these fantasies.I suspect that the way to resolve this issue will be to simply let her talk. Reflect back what she says and ask if you have understood her. In your discussion, tell her that it sounds like she is afraid that you are a pervert or freak, and ask her if she is scared that you would ask her to sleep with other men?Get her to tell you exactly what she is afraid will happen. Then, reassure her that you would never ask her to enact your fantasies. I think that it would also be helpful for you to try to understand why this fantasy appeals to you. That information may prove helpful to her. What could this fantasy mean?Many men feel turned on by imagining their partners with other men. Part of the turn-on in your fantasy may be to think that your partner is attractive and desirable to even the most gorgeous of men. The turn on being that she still chooses you out of all the other imaginary suitors.Perhaps you can find an interpretation of this fantasy that will appease her (while still being truthful). Good luck to you. And, from now on, keep the movies in your head to yourself, at least if you choose to remain with this woman.