Recently my fiancee and I had ‘the talk’ about how many previous sexual partners we have both had.I knew she was more experienced than I was already, but still wanted to know where we stood. She sort of shocked me when she gave me her number. I truly believe that she wasnt simply ‘a whore’ (excuse the language) and believe her when she said she had been used by several guys when she thought she was in a worthwhile, serious relationship.She explained to me that she feels (and I agree with her) that she is a strong independent person, but somehow she continually got burned by guys she thought really liked her. I never expected a Virgin, (because I wasn’t close to one either) but I have trouble coping with the fact that she is so much more experienced than I.It’s not that I fear that I cant please her, its just the fact that she has been with several guys and I don’t know how to deal with it. I know she loves me more than anything (as I do her) and she has never and would never cheat on me, but I want to get over this and I don’t know how, even though its at least four years in the past.It hurts her when I try to get my feelings out about this and talk about it with her because she is so disappointed with her past. Outside of this one HUGE issue I feel I could not have found a more perfect match.I know there is not a cut and dry solution, but I don’t know how to deal with it and any advice you could give me would be great.PLEASE HELP!
If you’ve been reading my column for a while, you know that finding it hard to let go of an issue is a clue that unfinished business is afoot. Before you can let this go, you need to find out what aspect of your history is triggered by her own sexual past.To figure this out, ask yourself, ‘Why does her sexual past bother me?’Note the first thought that comes to mind immediately following your posing the question to yourself. Don’t censure your thoughts and feelings, and simply let surface whatever comes to mind. Your first thought will bubble up from the unconscious and then you will know what the real problem is about.There are many possible issues that could be troubling you. You say you aren’t afraid that she would cheat on you. But, are you worried that you won’t be enough for her?Knowing that she had many different partners may make you worry that she needs a lot of variety, or that she isn’t easily satisfied, or that she becomes bored easily. You may also be afraid that she will compare you to her previous lovers and that she will decide that you don’t measure up.You may actually be dealing with fears of abandonment. Another possibility is that your own feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem are surfacing.Once you identify the real issue, you can take steps to heal it. You will find that once you unearth the issue that is struggling to be addressed, you will be able to let go of the triggering issue (her sexual past).It is merely a messenger, and once it has served its purpose and helped you to identify the issue that you need to heal, you will find that you aren’t bothered by her sexual past any longer.