Hello,I stumbled upon your website while searching for an answer to my condition. I am a 25 year old man and a virgin. I have had brief affairs in the past but none of them led to any physical intimacy: I haven’t even kissed, to be exact. My primary problem is that I am afraid of having intercourse and am replused by even thinking about it. My fears stem, I believe, from my childhood experiences which were repulsive for me. When I was very young, may be when I was between 5 to 7 years old, I was the victim of forced incest by my own elder sister for a few years and they finally stopped when I was about 9 or 10. My sister has always been very sexually active since her childhood and she did not spare me when she found out an easy way to “get off” using my body. Naturally, in her company I became aware of all matters sexual even before the sexual molestations began.Her continued attacks made me hate the female anatomy and afraid of having intercourse. I found boys/men kinder as I knew I would not be sexually harrassed by them. This liking would not have mattered had I not become involved in a sexual liaison with another boy when I was around 12. Since then I have liked and lusted the male form though I haven’t been sexually active for the last 9 years. I never had any intercourse with him, of course, being too young. This lasted for four years after which our paths separated. I was 15 then.Its not that I am a misogynist. I like and admire good-looking girls but I do not feel any sexual tension while watching them. I guess, my homosexual experiences and lack of proper heterosexual experience is responsible for that. I am quickly approaching marriagable age and I am under severe stress and fear of failing to maintain a heterosexual relationship. I should add that my family is terribly conservative and no one knows I am gay or those unpleasant memories. Can I maintain a heterosexual relationship, become acclimatised to the female gender and derive pleasure from it? Being gay is not an option for me at all and I would like to have a family. Its just I can’t imagine having sex. I will probably not even get an erection. Should I try having sex with a prostitute first to become sure of myself? Please help. I cannot embarrass myself or my parents who are very good people.
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle. As you have sadly discovered, the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse is long lasting.I hear that you say living a gay lifestyle is not an option for you–perhaps because of the culture in which you live.Consider the possibility that you aren’t gay and that you just turned to men as a refuge from women, who trigger memories of the sexual abuse you suffered.According to research, a large number of women who have been sexually abused become lesbians.It’s very possible that you have adopted a similar coping skill by turning to men, which further hinders your ability to develop relationships with women.I know you asked how you can get an erection with a woman. And should you try to bite the bullet and force yourself to perform with a prostitute. That’s like jumping into the deep end and flooding yourself.Before you go that route, let’s take a step back and consider what you actually need to heal. Once you heal, you won’t haveto grit your teeth and think of England. When you’re healed, you won’t feel repulsed by women nor will you feel afraid of being intimate.So let’s talk about how you can heal.It’s true that there is no systematized treatment method for survivors of sexual abuse. But there is some research about what works best:First you need to externalize your feelings about the abuse. Most abuse victims do not externalize their feelings, which means putting the anger outside of yourself. To heal, you must properly attributeresponsibilityby having the courage to feel anger toward your sister and even your parents who didn’t protect you. Establishing your own sense of control and empowerment is also part of the healing.Again, it is vital to process, uncover and describe your anger becauseanger helps you feel empowered, establish boundaries, define your rights and needs,find productive actions and behavior, and promotes self-efficacy and power. It will also be good for you make the link between your sexual symptoms (your revulsion, etc.) and the past sexual abuse. Once you are clear on the link, it’s easier to break the linkPart of your healing must include establishing an intimate relationship in which your partnerknows about your past and supports you in your healing. A loving partner will encourage feelings of safety and reconnection, help you adjust your sexual attitudes, gain a more positive sexual self-concept, feel more positive about women’s bodies, learn how to cope with negative reactions to touch, and develop skills to positively experience touch and sexual intimacy, help you learn to integrate communication, choice, trust, respect, and equality into your intimate relationship, and also assist you to establish physical and emotional safety andresolve distressing memories.Here’s where a sex surrogate could help you. You could practice being intimate with a trained surrogate before you form a relationship with a woman.Beyond all these mainstream approaches, you might consider trying some of the new energy medicine techniques that are designed to literally reprogram your brain and free you from the chains of past trauma. These therapies include: Body Talk, NET and EFT.There’s even a video I found on You Tube that shows you how to do EFT on yourself to free yourself from sexual abuse trauma. Here’s a link for you:http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9l1iGVqn3MPlease keep in touch and let me know how you’re progressing.