Hi Dr. LoveI don’t know how to start this off but here it goes. I have been married for 6 years but been with my husband for going on 10 years since the age of 15.For the past few months my husband has tried his best to aviod me in the bed room. and he couldnt even get an erection the last time we tried to make love. He told me that he thinks he has something wrong with him and said he would look into going to the doctor.But for the last 2 months I have noticed that the bottle of vasaline has gone down very fast and started to think he was taking care of his needs with out me. I have talked to him about what was wrong and why he didnt want to make love to me anymore and he said it is nothing I have done that he just doesnt have a sex drive any more but last night when I came home from work a little sooner than normal I caught him in the bath room masterbating.Now he doesnt know I know what he was doin, but I don’t understand why he would pick masterbating over making love. I didn’t talk to him about the Vaseline or about me catching him in the bathroom. But I want to let him know how hurt I am that he would pick masturbation over making love to me.He knows I am very upset about our sex life. I feel as if there is something I am doing wrong. I am so hurt that I have decided that I don’t want to make love to him for a very long time. I feel as if the only reason he would want to make love anyways is just so I can say that he is pleasing me sexually. Please if you think you might know a way to help me out, I would much appreciate it.Thank you, Loveless
I was expecting you to sign your letter ‘It’s all my fault’ because that ‘s how you are interpreting your husband ‘s avoidance of sex.You believe that you are doing something wrong, you feel that he is choosing masturbation over you, etc.First of all, I want you to realize that you are personalizing (taking personally) a problem that may not have anything to do with you. Many women do this. And, it is an easy way to get bruised, injured and wounded.So, before you assume that your husband ‘s avoidance of sex is because you are doing something wrong or that he doesn’t desire you any longer, can we first look at the problem objectively, keeping you out of it?First of all, there is a good chance that your husband is telling you the truth. It isn’t easy for a man to admit that there’s something wrong with him. And, your husband has done just that and even said that he needs to see a doctor!So, it is very likely that he is experiencing a sexual dysfunction. When this happens to a man, the first thing he wants to do is avoid sex with his partner, in order to avoid humiliation. It also makes sense that he would be in the bathroom checking his ‘apparatus’out.Have you ever noticed that when you find something abnormal on your body that you keep checking and rechecking to see if it’s healing? I can just imagine your husband in the john with the Vaseline checking and rechecking his penis and its performance abilities.Keep in mind that if a man has difficulty getting an erection, he can still achieve an orgasm. So, this may be the only way that he can release his sexual tension right now.So, before you put your ego into this and feel worse and worse about yourself, believe your husband ‘s assessment of the problem. Talk to him. When you take your bruised ego out of this, you can begin to work together as a team to solve the problem.If you can accept that he is having problems getting erections, and you are cool about it, you can resume sexual contact together, and, for now, you will not put pressure on him to get hard. You can stimulate him to orgasm orally and/or manually, and he can do the same to you.By resuming your sex life, even if he can’t get hard, you will feel less shut-out and he will feel less ashamed and inclined to avoid contact with you. And, by the way, when he goes to see a doctor, his first stop should be a urologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction.Good luck.