Dear Dr Love,
I have met my boyfriend at my vacation job in Netherlands in July, 2020. We went on couple of dates and started dating instantly. In the beginning, I felt so in love. We travelled a lot by train, spent a lot of time together, just normal couple-things. With the beginning of October, I had to go back to my home country because I was in university. So as I went back, we had no other choice but to have a long distance relationship. We would meet every couple of weeks but as the time went by, I have started to notice a lot of things that I didn’t like. He would comment on other girls looks and say things like ,,fuck, I would so do her” or ,,I wish I had that babe” or ,,mmm what an ass she has, jesus”. I didn’t feel good so I told him that he shouldn’t say things like this. But he told me that it was nothing and I should’t worry. And I thought that maybe I was over-reacting so I let it go. On next vacation, in 2021, we went again to the same job. We thought it was a great idea because we already had friends there and the job was well-paid. And he still would comment on other girls. And I don’t know, it made me feel so insecure because I thought maybe I was lacking something. But the final straw was this situation: there was this girl he fancied before he met me and he would talk with her a lot. But once I walked over to them and they stopped talking. I thought maybe I interrupted something. After she left, he admitted that he felt awkward and uncomfortable when I came to them. I didn’t know what to say, so I just walked away. In that moment, I felt… empty? I don’t know how to explain my feelings but I just didn’t have any thoughts at that moment. Whats more, right before we went to this job in 2021, we were watching a movie at home and I saw he was texting someone. He showed me, that this girl wrote to him. And I was like, okay. But then I saw that he deleted the converastion with her, and I thought to myself why would he do that? Another thing, when she would post pics on social media account, he would give comments about her to me, like ,,I should stand next to her” or ,,It should be me who hugs her” or things like this. I admitt these things really made me feel not enough. He constantly would say that he loved me and he showed me that love in many ways. But he didn’t change. I will say that NOT ONCE did someone caught my eye throughout our relationship. And not once I made such comment.
We broke up in December 2021. It was me who inititated things. I told him that I loved him, but I just didn’t see future with him. He didn’t have any plans for himself, he wanted to live ,,in the moment”. And it bothered me. He didn’t value money and saw it as something not worth worrying about. And it bothered me because I want a partner who will be able to provide for me and I for him. There were some other things but to sum it all, he didn’t take it well. It was horrible couple of months. Now its the end of April 2022 and I feel so much better. We write with each other sometimes but not often. However, I keep stalking his social accounts. And I admitt that there are times I feel jealous of other girls he spents his time with.
So I told you a piece of my story and what I want to ask, do you think I made a right decision? Was I dramatizing too much? It was my first relationship with someone, and I’m in my mid twenties. We had some great moments and I wouldn’t change them at all. But did I made a right decision by giving up on something that I didn’t think would last in the end? Im asking because I still keep thinking about it. And I would really appreciate some advice on that.
Yes, I understand that you want confirmation from me that you made the right decision to end it with this guy.
The bottom line is he wasn’t giving you the right feeling. When we are in a relationship, we are not blind and will always be attracted to other people. So what? We don’t broadcast our feelings about someone else to our partner. Telling you that he wanted to have sex with another woman was inconsiderate of your feelings. He rubbed his attractions in your face. There was a thoughtless, mean quality to his behavior.
He seemed to be fishing for another woman. Texting, erasing conversations, stopping talking when you approached him with another woman. It didn’t feel like he was all in with you.
What most disturbs me is that he wasn’t responsive to your feelings when you told him that you were distressed by his behavior. When we care about another person, we do our best to be responsive to that person’s feelings. He didn’t do so.
He behaved in a selfish, screw-you kind of way. Your feelings apparently didn’t matter.
Bottom line, when a man wants to keep a woman, he makes her feel first. He didn’t do this at all. As a result, you didn’t get the right feeling.
You made the right choice.
What concerns me is that you are now second-guessing yourself.
Why would you doubt your decision?
To doubt means that some part of you thinks that you should accept crumbs.
Why you doubt a decision that was self-affirming is the question you should be asking.
I have suspicions that you were raised by a parent or parents who didn’t give you enough, which trained you that receiving crumbs is normal; and/or you watched a parent accept crumbs.
It’s important for you to uncover and resolve the real issue that’s causing you to question yourself. If you don’t, you will find yourself in another crummy relationship–no pun intended.
You deserve more and better.