Hi, Dr. LOVE,I have no idea whether you are going to help me to solve the problem or not because I know you only pick up three each day. I have had the problem for quite long. But still it still keep on bother me.Sometime when I am alone or listen or see something that remind me the time when we were together, I cannot help crying. One time, accompanied with other problems, I even wanted to suicide. I think i am stupid.Okay, here is my problem. I had dated with a guy for six months. We never had sex even thought he did ask for it. But I insisted we did until we were more understanding. I met him on September last year. Then we hanged together and spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year together. I thought his family liked me, too.However, started from this year, he was so busy with his work. Even I could not see him, I kept on get in touch with him by calling him. In Valentine’s Day, I sent him card and he in return had somebody delivered roses to me. We never had a fight. In the past, I did feel he really like me . No matter how busy he was, he always tried his best to do me a favor. One time he even listened to me, changed the color of the car that he had already ordered and bought a convertible even he did not know how to drive because I told unintentionally that only the real man drive stick-shift.The last time that I called him was last month, I was crying on the phone because something happened to my family. But i did not tell him the problem, I just kept crying. And finally he did saying that he was not a open person. He was kind of guilty that he did not have time for me. However, after this call, we did not get in touch anymore. I do not whether he still love me or he never loved me before. I have really no idea how come it end up like this. I am really depressed that he treats me like this. I love him so much that now I do not know what to do . I know I need to find out the answer, otherwise, sooner or later, I am going to torture myself.Dr. Love, please help me. I am really down. I have nobody to talk to and no place to ask for help. Thank you very much anyway.Love, from New York
First of all, you must promise me that you will not hurt yourself. If you ever feel that you cannot control your desire to commit suicide, go immediately to the nearest hospital emergency room and get yourself admitted.I think you are in such pain because you are suffering from a broken heart. You really loved this man and he dumped you without a care. I think that you are actually very angry at this man–with good reason. If you get in touch with these feelings of anger, your depression will lift. Depression is often due to swallowed anger. So, you have my permission to join with me in feeling very angry at this man’s behavior.You asked me to explain to you why he left you. It sounds to me like this man has a hard time dealing with feelings. I say this because he seemed to back away from you after you cried on the phone. Perhaps he felt unable to deal with your feelings, felt inadequate to solve your problem, or perhaps he couldn’t tolerate the feelings that were arising in himself in response to your own pain. When he said that he wasn’t an open person, I think he was telling you that he wasn’t open to feelings.After the call in which you cried, you said that you haven’t been in touch any longer. Do you mean that he hasn’t called you again? Have you made an effort to contact him? Or was he the only person who initiated contact in your relationship? From the sound of it, you are waiting to hear from him. The problem with sitting back and waiting is that you are not in charge of your life. You are on the receiving end of his calls (or noncalls) which puts you in a helpless, victimized state. So, for the sake of your own sanity, I think you need to take charge, rather than sit around waiting and wondering.If you really want to know why he ran off, then ask him by saying something like: ‘I haven’t heard from you since our last phone call. . . when I was so upset about my family. I was wondering if I scared you off?’ You could ask him what he is trying to say to you by not calling.So my message to you is: be active, not passive. Passivity leads to feelings of helplessness and victimization, which in turn breeds depression. So, take action. Talk to him and find out what his problem is.Also, I’m concerned that you are putting too many eggs in one basket. You need to have more friends in your life. More contact with people who care for you and your feelings. A support group would be ideal for you, and will help you heal your depression. I sense that you were abandoned as a child, and that this man’s treatment of you has reopened an old abandonment scar. Joining a group will help you heal your abandonment wounds as well. As I said in my other answer, I will be starting support groups at my site, and invite you to join. If you would like, I can also find you a group in NYC, let me know.