Love Matters

Humans have all kinds of weird and confusing thoughts.It is common to think about what it would be like to lose a loved one and, at times all of us even wish a loved one would die (especially when we feel angry). These thoughts are all normal. When the thoughts are fleeting and when a person is at ease with their thoughts and feelings, all is cool.In your case, it sounds like your thoughts have taken on an obsessional quality, meaning that they are invading your life. What’s more, the thoughts are most upsetting to you. The fact that you can’t let go of the thought that he will leave you tells us that your mind needs to go to this place. In fact, it actually sounds like you are grieving his loss long before he’s gone (you say you are already sad and lonely).What we need to figure out is why these thoughts and feelings are here. One possibility: You are associating to other losses (such as the other boyfriends that left you) and trying to work through these old hurts. If this is so, your mind is bringing up the feelings of the old losses so you can finally grieve them and put them to rest.Another possibility. Since you are so sure that you are going to lose your boyfriend, your mind is making you mourn for him now, kind of like a Dr. run in order to prepare you for his eventual leaving. Keep in mind that whenever we can’t let go of a thought, feeling, issue or person, 99% of the time it’s because a piece of unfinished business from childhood is emerging. The fact that you are so obsessed with your boyfriend’s leaving tells us that you are dealing with unresolved abandonment issues from early in your life.I know you said that many boyfriends left you, and you may be thinking that your wounds stem from them. But, I think that the pattern of pattern of abandonment with your previous boyfriends, was actually a replay of an even earlier wound you suffered as a kid. In other words, your mind has been trying to heal a very early wound by hooking you up with abandoning boyfriends.Remember, the mind heals by repetition, and by choosing abandoners, your mind hopes to reexperience the original wound so that you can work it through and obtain a resolution to the original trauma. And, this explains why you are so distressed and sad now. It’s as if you know on some level that your unconscious mind has chosen another abandoner who will eventually dump you like all the others did. And you are already grieving the loss ahead of time.At this point, you need to go into therapy and work on the original wound. The more you work on original issue in therapy, the less you will need to find boyfriends who help you replay the wound in your outside life.Also, you need to take a hard look at this new boyfriend. Let’s assume that your unconscious mind has chosen another abandoner. Can you study this man’s character and relationship history and foresee how he might drop you? Is he obsessed with an old girlfriend? Does he have a history of walking?When you figure out what it is about him that worries you, you are doing a couple of positive things for yourself. First, you are taking charge of the situation, instead of remaining like a powerless victim waiting to happen, and you are preparing yourself for how he’s going to do you. This is already some protection.In reading your letter, I also had the impression that you were afraid that your constant fear of being dumped might actually drive him to dump you. That is, I think you are worried that you might induce him to behave like all the abandoners of your past. Many times our wish to repeat history, in order to heal, causes us to induce our partners to play the part of the people that hurt us from before.In other words, if you are afraid to be dumped, you could actually cause him to dump you. How? By constantly telling him that you’re afraid he’ll drop you, he might come to think, since she keeps accusing me of dumping her, I might as well do so. So, when you are in therapy it would be good to clarify whether this man is another abandoner, which would explain your fears; or whether you are in the process of inducing him to become an abandoner so that he can replay history with you. (See my Archives under repetition compulsion to understand how humans try to heal through repetition).At this point, your plan is three-fold:1) figure out where your original abandonment wound stems from and talk this through.2) determine whether this guy is another abandoner, and if he is keep your eyes open and3) if you find out that he isn’t, work on making sure that you don’t induce him to become the abandoner that you are used to.Good luck. Once you sort this out, you will feel more in control and less ruled by fear.