Dear Dr. Love:I have previously written to you regarding a sex issue but now I’m writing in regards to a bigger problem. My boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. Moved in together after only a month or so. (Big Mistake). Hindsight is always 20/20. You would think I would know better I’m 41 – He is 34.From the beginning it has been an unfair situation which probably happened because I didn’t speak up and hold him accountable. It is my home and I have continued to pay the mortgage and all the other bills except for groceries which he contributes 1/2 and on occasion has given me $100 to $200. 00 towards the bills. It has spilled over into all aspects of our life. I resent like hell that I do all the household chores, pay all the bills, worry if everything is going to get paid.When I have tried talking to him about this he says it is all about money with you isn’t it. Last Sunday we woke up and started talking and the next thing I know he has made the decision to move out. We are both unhappy but love each other tremendously.I am agreeable to going to counselling and seeking help. I know there are things I haven’t done perfectly either.How will counselling help as long as he can’t even admit he has done anything wrong. He can’t understand the dynamics of how I feel being totally responsible for everything.He moved out and is now renting a room from someone. I was angry because I said well if you can afford to rent a room, why can’t you afford to help pay the bills.Please help me out on this one? Am I just living in an unrealistic view of whether this problem can be worked out or not with counselling? Thanks, Linda
You have asked how can counseling help as long as he can’t even admit that he’s done anything wrong. If you have the intention to get him to admit he was wrong, he will feel blamed, become defensive, and you won’t get diddly from him.I think what you really want is for him to understand how his behavior makes you feel. The hope being that he will become more responsive to you once he understands why you are upset.In therapy, you will want to help him to become aware of the impact that his not helping out has on you. If he isn’t willing to take responsiblity for the effect of his behavior, then you don’t have a partner who is capable of a relationship. Since he doesn’t seem able to take responsibility for the impact of his behavior, therapy is going to have limited success. To increase your chances of success, tell him that you aren’t going to enter couples therapy to blame each other. The goal is for both of you to look inward (not point the finger at each other) and take responsibility for your part in breaking the connection. At the same time, you should examine the internal blocks that prevent you both from making a better connection.When examining his part in breaking the connection, he will need to own the effect that his not taking a fair share has on you. Remarks like, ‘it’s all about money, ‘are not relationship supportive. If he says something like that in therapy, you need to ask him if you should be feeling discounted or dissed (or whatever you do feel) by that remark. Ask him if that remark is supposed to make you feel that he cares about your feelings and this relationship?You also need to examine your role in keeping this conflict alive. You need to examine what you are doing to make it easy for him to do nothing. And you need to find out what you get out of being his caren’taker. For one thing, you get to feel used, abused and furious. When you rag and nag, this surely infuriates him and makes him feel less and less like being responsive to your requests. I am not saying that he has a right to behave as he’s doing, we simply want to understand what you may be doing to keep this pattern going.After you both examine your role in keeping the pattern alive, you must study what you both get out of keeping it going. If I had to guess, I’d swear he was thumbing his nose at his parents who demanded too much of him. By refusing to take his share, he may be saying ‘screw you’mom and dad. The other possibility, is that his parents spoiled him and he simply expected you to take over where they left off.He needs to explore his own dynamics. If he isn’t willing, then what you see is what you get.As for you, you need to understand why you have chosen a partner who is making you feel used. How does this fit with your history? Did you feel overworked by your parents, neglected, unconsidered or mistreated?See my Advice Archives (under repetition compulsion and unfinished business) to understand why you would be inclined to repeat history. Let me know what comes about. Above all, beware. If he isn’t willing to look at his role in this conflict, then you risk to be his doormat for life.
