Dr. Love,I get attatched way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?
Nothing hurts worse than unrequited love, and I understand that you are suffering a lot. Two things jump out at me in reading your letter.The first is that you feel the need to blame yourself for this man’s disappearance. You need to become aware of your tendency to hold yourself responsible for another person’s behavior. You aren’t responsible for his lack of response. He is. You were true to your heart. You spoke honestly about how you feel. You could have held back, played coy, and then what? If this guy is truly afraid of being close, which I sense that he is (look at his choice of career, in which he never stays put long enough to attach to anyone), sooner or later, you’d have ended up where you are now with him cutting out on you. So, better you found out sooner rather than later.My second point relates to the fact that you have fallen in love with a man that you hardly know. It is said that love at first sight occurs when the unconscious mind links the object of adoration with a previous love object, usually a parent. When this happens, all the feelings of adoration that one has for his/her parent are transferred onto the new found love. This explains why one feels such strong feelings for a complete stranger. Along with strong feelings of adoration comes a tremendous hope to unite with this seemingly perfect being. What’s this about?The young child always idealizes his/her parent. (Daddy or mommy is the greatest, smartest, sweetest, etc. . ) This explains why the new found love is also seen as perfectly wonderful. What happens next? The same thing that happened during childhood. This perfect love object lets you down, just the way your parent did. He is unavailable and distant (just like your mother or father was). But hope springs eternal. The hurt child within is driven by the fantasy that this time he/she will win the love of this wonderfully perfect, but distant person. The fantasy being that when that love is finally won, all the hurt from childhood will be magically healed. This is what I call the repetition compulsion.All adults who have been neglected or mistreated in childhood yearn to replay their childhoods and work for a happy ending. The first step in the recreation is to find a lover who resembles the parent who let us down. When the unconscious mind recognizes a person who is a carbon copy of a parent, that ‘s when love at first sight as well as all the hope and the excitement kicks in.No wonder you can’t let this man go. To do so would mean giving up your hope of reliving your childhood wounds and getting a happy ending. Once you accept that you’can’t go home again’ and that you can’t make up for what was lacking in childhood, you will find it easier to let go of this man and all that he represents (the hope of reliving your childhood and finding perfect love).I hope that my words help you understand why you are so attached to this stranger and help you move on.
