Dear Dr. Love,I am only 15, but I have experienced love for the second time in my life. This guy and I talked of getting married when I graduated from college. I still love him with ALL of my heart. Somehow, he just fell out of love and drifted apart. The bad thing is, he lives 2, 000 miles away. I am going to be moving there this coming summer. We were going to have a SERIOUS relationship then. He used to comment on my intelligence and maturity, now he just talks about my chest and how he’d like to get with me. I don’t understand how someone could change so dramatically. Please help me.This has greatly affected my life in California. I have to take pills called Saint John’s Wort. You may have heard of them. I have even paged him so I can get some closure to this whole thing. Please just tell me what I can do to get on with my life and to possibly win his heart back!Sincerely, Lost in love =)~
You asked me to tell you what you can do to get on with your life and to possibly win his heart back. Are you aware that you are not clear about what you want? In order to get closure, you need to first resolve your internal conflict and decide where you want to place your energy: to moving on or winning him back. In order to resolve the conflict, you need to be clear on how you feel. I hear that you feel hurt and depressed, but where is your anger?Depression arises when angry feelings are swallowed. In order to heal, you need to access your angry feelings. I’m not telling you that you have to act on the feelings by confronting him, but, you need to feel the feelings associated with the trauma you have been through. You have been treated miserably, and angry feelings are appropriate. After you find your anger, then I would ask yourself: Do I still want to put my energy into someone who reduces me to a pair of boobs? He has treated you like dog meat, why would you want him back?You also asked me to help you understand why he changed. We can never be entirely sure why he treated you with respect and admiration intially and then shifted. Did he actually feel admiration for you, or did he merely say what he thought would win you? Did he truly admire you and then become frightened by the developing intimacy–which caused him to demean you in order to push you away?The only way you are going to know is to talk with him. I think that talking with him will kill two birds with one stone: it will either help you release your anger and heal your depression; and/or, if his responses satisfy you, you might decide to give him another chance. When you reach him, I would ask him: Are you aware that you have treated me with disrespect? By only talking about my boobs, you have reduced me to a hunk of meat. Did you intend to do this? Watch what he says. He may surprise you. In fact, he may have been unaware of how offensive he was being. If he answers you in a genuinely sorry and apologetic way, then there may be hope for this guy. After you talk with him, you will be much clear on whether to give up or give him another chance. Good luck. I hope that this guy turns out to be workable rather than an incurable pig.