Dear Dr. LoveI have a twisted and sad tale for you. I ‘m a buyer, I buy computer parts from various vendors across the country. With time I got to know some of them fairly well. Well about 5 months ago I started talking to a new company and became fast friends with one of the girls there. We talked and laughed a lot, she called me when she had off sometimes and I called her when I had off. With time we started to begin to have feelings for each other.Now she’s 23 and married and I ‘m 25 and have a fairly steady relationship with my girlfriend, she lives in California and I in Maryland. But me and this girl just grow stronger. We started to talking all the time on the phone and generally just chatting about anything under the sun. One weekend she was going on a vacation without her husband and she asked me to give her a call at the hotel she was staying at. So I did and we talked for hours that night, and we did other stuff as well that night. When it was time to go to sleep though I told her I loved her and she told me that she didnt really know what love was, I told her not tell me she loved me unless she meant it.We swore to be honest to each other and never lie. Well we spent the next night talking again and the next weekend her husband went away so I called her again. When I told her again that I loved her, she said she loved me too, she loved me so much she didnt care who knew or what might happen. I was estatic. Its what i always wanted and I was happy.Now you have to realize she was a very religious person and she always felt that what we did was wrong, no matter how wonderful it was. And it was wonderful, I was thoroughly in love with her and so happy. Well time passed the feelings only grew, we started talking about how we could meet up or get away or what we could do. We shared everything we could with each other. She told me that she never really loved her husband, she had just married the first person who had asked her. She sometimes wished he would divorce her, but she could never divorce him.She was everything I could ever wish for in a woman, smart, pretty, intelligent, she liked most of the things I liked and we had the most fascinating conversations. I never met anyone like her. On Christmas Eve, I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt and how I think we were meant to be and how wonderful I felt just talking to her.At the same time the guilt she felt finally caught up to her and she told her husband. The next working day I called her early at work and they told me she had quit. When I got in to work she had left me a voice mail saying goodbye, have a nice life, I ‘m sorry. I called her once at home but she hung up on me, because her husband was around. Then they changed their number. And I wrote her another letter and sent it to her friend who in turn gave it to her. I tried to be nice and tell her about her strengths and everything but eventually I sort of broke down though.Its been a month now. I haven’t talked to her, I don’t know how she is. I don’t hate her, I just hate myself for not being able to find a way to make her want to stay. I hurt all the time and am dying to talk to her and just listen and share all the things we did again. I wonder if she feels the same and how she could just walk away. Mostly I just wonder if I can survive this. I want to try to find her but I don’t know if I should. What do you suggest?Lost
It’s not my place to tell you what to do.You say that you worry that you are depressed.How could you not be depressed? You are a human punching bag, and a prisoner in your own emotional jail. I’m the jailor who can set you free. The key to your freedom is understanding.First I want you to see that you and your boyfriend are actually mirror images of each other. You both were unfaithful to each other from the start. You both are unable to trust. You’re both abusive.Your relationship consists of your taking turns torturing each other with infidelity,physical abuse and mistrust.Just so you know, breaking up won’t solve the problem. The problem will haunt you both wherever you go and no matter who you’re with.I want you to also know that it’s no accident that you chose each other and that you choose to stay with each other. If you want your life to change, you need to understand why.I’m betting that you are both filled with rage toward your parents. And you both represent the other’s hated parent, and you take turns beating up on the parent, and then doing penance for your bad behavior by taking a punishment. No wonder you can’t let each other go. You both have unfinished business with your parents, and you aren’t done paying them back.If you want to get passed this prison, read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First)http://www.drlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship. The title of the book sounds like your life.The book will help you identify the Old Scars that you each carry from childhood.Next it will show you how to heal the Scars with each other’s help.To do this, you need to make a commitment to TALK about your feelings, your hurt, your fear, your sadness, and so, on without going into action. By action I mean cheating, verbal attacks, physical attacks. No action.If you commit to this no action policy, your feelings will then be able to be put into words. Once they’re in words, the healing can begin. When you speak, you are to listen and understand each other. Doing so is the way to help each other heal the pain.If you cannot commit to this plan, your relationship will be a war zone and nothing more.I’ve given you the blueprint for healing your depression and your relationship.Let me know how you make out.